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All I Want To Do Is Give Bobby Lashley A Hug

He’s had a really tough time and it’s the least he deserves…

WWE

I’m confused.

I’m not entirely sure how they did it, but WWE aired a promo that explicitly explained how much of a legitimate hard BATHTURD – sorry, Bob, we’ll never forget – Bobby Lashley is, but by the time the thing was over, all I wanted to do was give the poor bloke a hug.

He’s bigger than all of us put together. He has more muscle mass than the entire Welsh rugby team put together. Bobby Lashley is so scary, his own eyebrows ran away, yet this week’s Raw made him look like the single most vulnerable and troubled Superstar on the company’s entire payroll.

Plainly, they didn’t mean to do what they did, but goodness me, they couldn’t have done a better job in making Bob the most sympathetic of babyfaces if they tried. This promo was scintillating stuff!

WWE’s intentions were clear – they tried to humanise an absolutely freakish specimen that not too many people watching their show can relate to. They tried to paint the former ECW Champion as a family man who hasn’t forgotten where he came from; as a man who grew up with parents that raised him the right way, to live life right with the strongest of values…

I said they tried…

WWE

What they actually provided us with was the single most interesting piece of character development in a generation or two – and they didn’t even mean it. We now know why Bobby Lashley is almost timid in everything but his physical appearance and athletic prowess. He uses fitness and professional wrestling as an outlet for rage pent-up inside his being thanks to certain happenings during his childhood.

What we saw last night was a bloke who clearly has some repressed childhood issues who was finally ready to seek some help. This massive man made a massive cry for help on the biggest stage possible.

When Corey Graves claimed ‘there’s more than meets the eye’ when it comes to Bobby Lashley, I scoffed. Endless strings of people have told me that his levels have increased tenfold in the 10 years he’s spent away from WWE, representing companies like Impact and Bellator MMA. In Impact, he was an unadulterated arsehole, apparently, with that killer’s edge and it worked. So far, however, a month after his return to WWE (for me at least) I’ve seen the same Bobby Lashley that left us a decade ago. He’s still an incredibly impressive athlete, but in terms of charisma and character, there’s just absolutely nothing there.

Now though, I’ll never doubt another word Corey says when it comes to The Dominator. Renee Young inadvertently opened a can of worms that even she will admit that she didn’t expect to open, and I now hope WWE go with it – rather than realising ‘oh bugger, is that the message we really told?’ before sweeping it under the carpet never to be heard from again like they do all too often.

I still can’t believe a few of the things Big Bob – that’s his official nickname, btw – admitted in front of the world. I really hope that we kick off next week’s show with Maggle Cole informing us that three of Bob’s siblings have been arrested for the things they did to him as a child.

I might as well just come out with it: Bobby Lashley’s sisters would take him into the woods, tie him up, and leave him there for hours.

I’m not a lawyer, but that’s bloody wrong. That’s not what normal siblings do. I have a little brother, so I know how a sibling relationship works. I remember trying to get the upper hand on his sorry arse in an underhanded manner more times than Ric Flair did over the course of his storied career before I would be caught by my mother and sent to my room for a bit. I would never have dreamt of taking my little brother into the woods, tying him up, and leaving him there for hours. THAT’S SO BLOODY WRONG I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!

Unfortunately for Bob, we’ve only passed the tip of the iceberg here.

WWE

Next, we learned that his sister Cathy would chase him around with a broom. Humans normally do that to rats, maybe even a rogue pigeon or two if they’re around in places they shouldn’t be. Humans don’t do that to other humans, let alone their own flesh and blood.

Bob – obviously through a wall of dry tears that refused to leave his eyes – tried to make light of this horrible revelation by saying that he would joke with Cathy, telling her to get on that broom and ‘take off’ like a witch, presumably. This, and I quote: “Would really fuel her and she chased me all around and tried to kill me with it.” 

His sister tried to kill him with a broom. I can feel my heart quite literally bleeding for the poor bloke.

It’s at this stage in the interview, however, where we did get a little bit of insight as to why Bobby had such a rough time of it. He told a tale of how one of his sisters had a security towel that the school bully took from her. Stepping in on his sister’s behalf, Bobby took that towel and shoved it down the bully’s throat when surely the logical thing to do would have been the scare the daylights out of that bully, before giving the towel back to his sister.

The fact that Bobby did the opposite – and bullied a bully in the process, be a star, m8 – to what any logical human would have, and ensured that his sister would never see the towel she craved so much again, perhaps suggests that Bob got himself into a predicament or two with his sisters that he could have easily avoided.

Lastly, we learned of the sister that left a scar just next to his eye for the rest of his life. Pointing at the scar, Bobby would say ‘this scar will always remind me not to mess with Francis’ and I have so many questions that come straight from the brain of a therapist, I’m sure of it.

The most chilling part of this interview was reserved for the very end when Bobby stopped Renee from speaking, just so he could mention his three quite obviously horrible sisters by name and tell them that he loves them.

After everything we had heard before, it’s clear to me that Bobby Lashley belongs to a Manson Family setup. He’s been brainwashed by his siblings, even though he was clearly put through hell by them at an early age.

That’s what I took from that interview, although I could well be wrong… (WINK!)

Ross Tweddell

Written by Ross Tweddell

Editor-in-chief of Cultaholic.com | ross.tweddell@cultaholic.com

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