“Now all the losers on Twitter are going to have one less thing to complain about,” Baron quipped, as his lusciously spindly, receding locks were chopped off in the name of nobly accepting the shortcomings that arrive with male pattern baldness.
Hold my beer I say, Baz.
If I’m looking at Baron Corbin as a normal bloke, as one of my mates, I’m telling him he’s absolutely made the right call here. The decision to go bald is one he should have taken a very long time ago, and I think he knew it too. Whenever you’d see The Lone Wolf outside of a WWE ring, he’d be wearing a hat. He knew what he looked like, he knew there was nothing he could really do without ridicule, so he hid that hairline. (I don’t understand why people who are going bald wear hats all the time – by doing so, you’re not allowing sweat glands to breathe and in the process, they’re clogging the follicles which prevent hair growth. Apparently, according to the internet, you need oxygen in order to produce the oils that help your hair grow.)
Baron looks wonderful bald. He’s even more menacing now compared to when his hair looked like the Venom symbiote was latching on to his very bald head – a reference I don’t really understand, but I saw somebody got a lot of retweets by mentioning it so I’m going to run with it. The bloke, and his demeanour, just suits a short back and sides and top.
However, there are a couple of issues that are eating away at me like that pesky Venom thingy ate away at poor Baron’s scalp – the first being the comment he made in the immediate aftermath of his big chop.
Why, if you’re a heel in WWE – and one as good as Baron is, by the way – would you want to give fans one less thing to moan about when it comes to your makeup? As a man who doesn’t mind not being liked by everyone, I’d be wanting to create as many visual triggers to go alongside whatever actions I perform on television each week. Imagine how amazing it would be to simply walk into a room and stand still, completing the job you set out to do in the first place? Baron did that every single time he walked out onto a WWE show, as the overwhelming majority were laughing at his hair and his seemingly apparent desperation to keep hold of… some.
Remember, be a star, kids.
By improving his appearance, Corbin’s just made his job ever so slightly more difficult, and just looking at the guy as a WWE Superstar and not as a real-life human being with the insecurities we all have, I can’t understand why. Next, he’ll be getting a tummy tuck to get rid of his unhappy faced-belly and then he’s really screwed!
Remember, be a star, kids. (it’s ok to laugh at heels in WWE though. Don’t feel guilty about that)
The second gripe I have is with the way the chop was done. No fanfare, no party, no pomp, no circumstance. Yes, there is a YouTube clip that exists out there but that isn’t enough. This should have been the culmination to one of the biggest feuds of the summer. How great would it have been to see Baron go up against somebody in a hair vs. hair match, coming out on the losing end at SummerSlam? There’s your moment of the summer – a haircut on WWE television for the first time since the days of Vince McMahon on the Grandest Stage Of Them All at WrestleMania 23, and latterly Serena of the Straight Edge Society. I know, it’s a desperate void in your life that you didn’t know you wanted to fill.
I’m going to take a stab in the dark here – when the likes of Kurt Angle and CM Punk were approached with the ideas of having their head shaved as a result of a pre-determined bout of simulated combat, they were also offered a large chunk of money to do so. I know Kurt was starting to form an isolated island on the top of his head, and Punk just fancied a change around the time of his match with Rey Mysterio, but still, I reckon they made some money off swallowing their pride and taking one for the cause. There’s no doubt Baron could have done the same here, but he’s missed the bloody boat – unless, there’s more to his haircut than initially meets the eye…
I end this piece on a worrying note, as we’re starting to see a trend forming in WWE where Superstars turn up for work with a full (ish) head of hair, only to leave and move onto the next town with none. At WrestleMania, Aiden English’s Tranquillo Barnetta quite literally ran away with no explanation between his appearance in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal and spell alongside my bae and spirit animal – and now, even though the reason is abundantly clear, Corbin’s has done the same thing.
What’s going on? I don’t know. All that I do know is despite the fact Corbin has made the right call in going bald, he’s also made the wrong call. A missed opportunity, me thinks…