Everybody Was Drunk On WWE Raw

As I'm sure you are aware by now, Cultaholic is all about celebrating all that's good about WWE and professional wrestling in general. However, as I'm sure you also know, I'm the host of WTF Moments - a show that highlights all that's wrong (in my opinion) about every WWE main roster show. It's not something I enjoy doing, but I see WTF's value in making sure our content isn't classed as delusional. I remember Trevor Brooking saying "harsh but fair, there" on one of the early PES games, and that's the WTF way.

It was while putting together the script for this week's WTF Moments that I realised something, something that explains a series of inconsistencies we saw on last night's Raw. I know you're probably thinking the title of this article is a tad dramatic, but it's the only explanation for what I'm about to discuss.

First of all, Drake Maverick - you have a lot of explaining to do, young man. Why are you gallivanting around with a couple of big, sweaty men and taking care of 205 Live at the same time? Why the Authors of Pain? At the moment, with no explanation offered on last night's show, Drake and the writers are the most random pairing since someone took their hand to an udder - think about it. Who stood back one day and thought 'I'm going to pull that cow's udder so I can have a drink'? Let's allow this one to play out before making a rash judgement, Ross. I'm talking to myself now. Am I the one that's actually drunk?

Everyone was drunk on last night's Raw because love was being shown in places it shouldn't have been. The scripts were thrown out of the window. People didn't know who they were, where they'd been over the past few months, or where they were setting themselves off heading forward. The affection being shown by the following Superstars wouldn't have happened if they were all sober, as I'm sure you will agree by the end of this article. We've all been there, I'm sure of it. The end of the night, My Heart Will Go On closing the night in the most emotional fashion possible in Popworld, we're all arm in arm with the people we went out with, singing and spewing in equal measure as we release the inhibitions and feel the rain on our skin... or something. The only difference between us on a night out and the Superstars on this week's Raw is the fact that the only cameras pointing at us while we cry ourselves home is CCTV littered around the city we're in, while the ones pointed at the wrestlers are state of the art cams beaming a wrestling show to every corner of the globe.



I should preface the rest of this article by saying that I think WWE will claim the Superstars mentioned here were just following the orders of their boss who would have fired them if they didn't. I hope WWE don't say this, by the way. In the name of Stone Cold Steve Austin, CM Punk, DX, and every single other Superstar to have crossed their respective bosses down the years, I really hope they don't.

Let's kick things off with the start of the night and the brawl incited by Baron Corbin, as he sent the entire Raw roster down the ramp to stop the paintball vests of The Shield coming into contact with Messrs Strowman, Michaels and Diesel. The first wave of Superstars couldn't do anything, so a second was sent down to stop the madness. Who was at the front of the second wave doing Corbin's dirty work? It was the man who has been feuding with the former Money in the Bank holder in a rivalry that feels as old as Brutus The f*****g Barber Beefcake's Zubaz, brother - Finn Balor.

That's right, without any sign of protestation, Finn was running down to the ring like a bloody dog that Corbin keeps at home as a pet - the only thing missing from the scene was a tennis ball and a series of treats for when Finn was done getting it.

If Finn walked to the ring at the back of the queue and gave Corbin a dirty look as he passed, you wouldn't be here reading this right now. It's the manner that Finn took his skinny little arse down the ramp that bothered me. "Everybody, get out there now," screamed Mr. Corbin. "Yes 'man I've been feuding with for the last few months and man who it looks like I'll be feuding with for a few more to come', let me go out first to show you I'm a really good boy," replied Finn.

Logic: missing.

Something to make Finn love someone he shouldn't, causing him to put his body on the line when he should have refused: very much present.

Next we have Kevin Owens, who despite quitting on last week's show, rocked up this week (apparently in the first segment of the night as well even though I've watched it twice and couldn't see him during either viewing) to attack Bobby Lashley. Good on Kevin, because Bobby Lashley is really boring, and Bobby Lashley was carried for so long by Kev's best friend, Sami Zayn, that Bobby broke the poor, dancing man. Sami did that much work for SpongeBOB DeadBehindTheEyesPants, revenge on KO's part is enough motivation to get us through to SummerSlam 2019!

However, there was a second brawl following last night's main event that saw Kevin Owens do a Balor. He too did the exact opposite thing he should have, and this breaks my heart because there was a time when Kevin was the only person in WWE with a brain. Everything he did made sense. Everything he said made sense. I remember the fateful night he got pied in the face as a prime example. Owens sought cover under a table while the rest of the roster got really, really messy. The fact he was the only person to think of that back then - despite the fact it didn't really pay off in the end, I must concede - shows just how far he's fallen over the past few months: a few months where Braun Strowman destroyed his body, his possessions, and HIS LIFE for no good reason whatsoever.

Forget about the destroyed rental car, being thrown off a really high ladder, being thrown off a higher cage, the incident in the portable toilet that left KO covered in the stuff that turns Liv Morgan's tongue blue - Kevin battled for Braun Strowman last night, protecting his old tormentor against the wrath of the returning Sheild. The only reason for this, that I can fathom, is because they're both heels now and heels stick with heels... THAT DOESN'T WORK SO SOON AFTER THE THINGS I'VE JUST MENTIONED, WWE!!!

Logic: long gone.

Something to make Kevin fight for a man that almost killed him any number of times over the past few months: very much present in his system.



And speaking of Braun, we all know that Money in the Bank cash-ins aren't registered until the bell has sounded after a referee has been inexplicably confused by something they've seen 20-odd times before. Roman Reigns was there for the taking as the heel roster stood around his really dead carcas last night, so why didn't Braun think to himself: 'the bell hasn't sounded for our Hell in a Cell match yet', Corbin is a heel like me - which after the Owens stuff mentioned earlier, is way more important than we all thought - which means he would surely allow it - why don't I cash-in now since Roman is down and there for the taking?

Logic: nowhere to be found.

Compassion and empathy brought on by excessive beer drinking: very much there indeed.

Finally, a rogue Drew Gulak aside of course (was he actually lost or what?!), we have the Authors of Pain. Maverick claims that he's their manager now and he'll take them to the Raw Tag Team Championships halfway through last night's show. However, by the time we get to the end, the AOP are really showing Drew and Dolph who is DA BOWSES on Raw by helping them in their battle against The Shield.

Akam, Rezar? Helping them out? I bet they're crapping their tights right now, lads! Unless, of course, this is the start of a plan of luring the tag champs in before striking them down when they least expect it. But after everything I've just mentioned here, that feels like I'd be giving WWE's creative team way too much credit.

So there we have it. Let me know what was to blame for all the misplaced love on last night's show because I'm genuinely interested - and so we can burn it and ensure it never sees the light of day again!

WWE'S CREATIVE TEAMS: THINK ABOUT THINGS BEFORE MAKING THEM HAPPEN!