Well, maybe not riot. That might be a tad dramatic of me if I’m completely honest.
I was watching this week’s WWE SmackDown Live and I fell in love. The new Daniel Bryan has a bonafide purpose and character and it’s absolutely sensational. Of course, it’s merely a new spin on CM Punk’s “I’m Straight Edge, therefore, I’m better than you” schtick but with less meat and more trees – but in 2018, it works, and the WWE Champion proved last night he can be very effective in the role.
While Dean Ambrose confuses the hell out of us all on WWE Raw with his snobbery/psychopathery/Banery/MustNotCatchDiseasery, Daniel Bryan has one focused motive and it’s a bloody doozy for this day and age.
Bryan hates us all because we’re killing the planet and we’re too stupid to realise it. Therefore, he’s going to show off just how clever he is while educating us in the areas we’re falling short.
I know this sounds like the James May of professional wrestling – in terms of being a bloody boring bastard, rather than an ecomentalist – has arrived but it’s far from that. Just go and watch the passion that Daniel spoke with on two separate occasions on last night’s show and you’ll see how. There’s a fire burning inside the former leader of the Yes Movement, and it’s green.
However, there’s one glaring plot hole in Daniel Bryan’s makeup currently, and it sits on his shoulder every single time we see him on our screens. And I know what you’re thinking, “but Ross, that’s fake leather” AND I’M NOT HAVING IT. They’ve taken away our pyro and custom sets while having money thrown at them from more angles than ever before. That’s real leather because I refuse to accept that WWE are taking the cheap option every single place they can in 2018.
Certain things just need to be done right, and one of those things is the WWE Championship title.
Anyway, Daniel Bryan bemoaned the fact that processed meat and the killing of cows produces methane or something – to be honest, I was hopelessly lost in the anger that took over his face by this point – even though he’s carrying a portion of a dead cow on his shoulder.
“Your title belt is made of leather! You’re not a real vegan!” I believe the meme goes – and since we’re all young, hip, hop, and happening here, we’ll go with that.
You may think this is me clutching at one too many straws, but it’s well-known in wrestling internetland that Daniel Bryan received some flak from certain quarters for hoisting two championship titles above his head at WrestleMania XXX, merely because of the material from which they were made. So essentially, since he now overtly is passing on a similar message as part of his character, Daniel Bryan is being a tad hypocritical by carrying the WWE title around with him.
What’s the solution? He arrives to SmackDown Live next week titleless, says what he needs to say while teaching us a few valuable lessons in conservation, and then unveils a brand new title made from plants or something.
It’s really that simple, and with Bryan at the helm, it simply cannot fail to be epic.
We’ll forget about the fact that part of the reason we’re supposed to be hating Daniel Bryan at the moment is because he wants to conserve the planet and wants us to do the same – damn Vince McMahon and his dated views on particular subjects – and just focus on how amazing it would be to see Bryan not only have a championship that fits in with his new character, but lambast each of the 49 other men who didn’t think of this before because they’re simply not as intelligent as he is.
The possibilities are almost endless with this. There’s no doubt that by being way more in tune with what this character actually is than I am, that Bryan would be able to take it places not too many of us can fathom.
After that, goodness knows what could happen with Bryan. Another sticking point for me with his current schtick is the fact that when he enters a WWE room (an arena) he is greeted with a video wall that is about three stories tall, thousands of lights flashing, and an explosion of noise pollution generated by many-a-massive speaker. Surely conservationist Daniel Bryan shouldn’t be standing for this “needless consumption” – his words, not mine – and should be resorting to an entrance that doesn’t require so much in the way of resources.
Heck, let’s take it one step further than that even – let’s see the WWE Champion go on strike against WWE and their costly production values and host his own wrestling show in a field while SmackDown Live is going on. Granted, those shows would have to be pre-recorded earlier in the day because nighttime is a thing, but you can see where I’m going with this, can’t you?
I just hope that in this day and age of very formulaic WWE shows that are made up by in-ring promo, then backstage promo, then wrestling match, then lines from commentary, then backstage promo, then match and you catch my drift – it was great to see Samoa Joe in a pub on this week’s SmackDown, by the way – WWE think outside the box here and give us some truly original and captivating programming.
We all know Bryan is in the driver’s seat here with a gimmick that appears to be very close to the man behind closed doors. Whether WWE want to go with him or not seems to be the only sticking point…
And all of this needs to start with an eco-friendly WWE Championship title on the shoulder of Daniel Bryan next week on SmackDown Live.