Pro wrestling is really, really cool, and we know this.
If I was a wrestler, my matches would suck because I’d be in constant awe of myself. I’d take a timeout after each move to run around the ring, just high-fiving fans and going “Did you see that? No but did you see that?” I’d vault the commentary table to watch my own replays. I’d constantly be fighting the urge to tear my shirt off in celebration – and yes I’d be wearing a shirt, because even in this fictional scenario I’ve invented, I can’t permit myself to have a good body. Seriously, I’m eating a sharer bag of M&Ms as I write this. They were on sale, but I’d have still bought them if they weren’t.
Wrestlers exist on a far more chilled level, at least the ones I’ve met. They plan complex, crowd-popping matches backstage, and never once stop to say “Dude, we’re going to look so badass out there.” They drive cars and take naps and eat chicken without constantly reminding themselves that they are Awesome Famous Fighty-Folk.
Professional wrestlers are, in essence, the anti-Drake. Drake is so painfully aware that he’s a famous rapper, his every move is soaked with self-consciousness, but I feel that’s another article for another time. For whatever reason, wrestlers aren’t constantly in a state of “check me out; my job is awesome” – and it’s therefore our job to determine just how kickin’ radical they are.
But what’s more kickin’ radical than one wrestler? That’s right: five wrestlers – ie. a traditional Survivor Series team – and because we’ve reached that time of year, it’s time to determine the most kickin’ radical Survivor Series team of all time.
[N.B. – The most kickin’ radical amount of wrestlers is actually 30 wrestlers, because of the Royal Rumble. I’m sure you knew that already. This has been an incredibly long intro, and I’m sorry.]
10. Team WWF – 2001
Where better to start than with the team that saved wrestling. Without Vince McMahon’s expertly-assembled squad of The Rock, Undertaker, Kane, Chris Jericho, and Big Show, maybe we’d have pay per views themed around ‘On A Pole’ stipulations. Maybe NXT would be named ‘The Power Plant’, and would feature the world’s best sub-six-foot wrestlers being taught to job out by Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan.
Maybe Vince Russo would be a former WWE Champion.
Let’s talk about Team WWF’s performance itself, and how they ended The Alliance’s attempt to take over the wrestling world.
Really, The Rock does a lot of the work here. Big Show is the match’s first elimination, after the heels decide to hit him with all of their finishers in turn (a genius move, in hindsight). Kane is pinned after a ‘flying thrust kick’ from Rob Van Dam, seemingly forgetting that his gimmick is literally ‘Indestructible Monster-Man’.
Undertaker goes down at the hands of Austin, and I love watching Austin beat Undertaker regardless of the circumstances, so I have no particular complaints here.
Jericho gets jealous and attacks The Rock, almost costing Team WWF the whole shebang – which is peak petulant Y2J behaviour and I love it. Thankfully though, for all of our sakes, Rocky’s able to come through as the big hero, defeating Stone Cold and giving me school playground bragging rights over the WCW kids.