10 Steps To Building The Perfect WWE Superstar

John Bradshaw Layfield showed that he liked many quirky things during his time as a WWE SmackDown Live commentator.

The self-proclaimed Wrestling God loved pronouncing Michael Cole's' name incorrectly, had a strange fixation on Otto Wanz's Cannonballs, and seemingly garnered some kind of pleasure from proving that he'd never seen Gilligan's Island.

Over all of those things, however, John proved that he adored Randy Orton - like, loads.

Randy's one of those greats who make professional wrestling look so easy, didn't you know? And according to John, if you were to build a professional wrestler from scratch, it would look like The Viper.

I don't know about you, but I disagree with that assertion.

Randy has proved over the course of his 16-year tenure in WWE that he isn't the finished article. If he was, he'd have an undefeated streak comparable to Asuka's under his snakeskin belt at the very least. For John to call him the personification of professional wrestling is wrong, in my view.

(Just so we're clear, please don't think I'm being ignorant here. Professional wrestlers and the WWE Superstar I'm building here are two very different things. I'm not discrediting professional wrestlers by building a Superstar, it's just since the overwhelming majority of you watch WWE, it would be a little bit silly to build anything else.)

So with that in mind, I'm here to let you know what should actually appear in the dictionary next to WWE Superstar - if that term is in the dictionary at all, that is. Simply put, this thing would never lose - unless it lost its temper and got itself DQ'd. I'm all for Ruthless Aggression™ but sometimes it just can't be contained and accounted for... nobody's perfect.

10. Give Them A Samoan Head

It's just one of those things in WWE. It doesn't matter who the Samoan is, their head is harder than your average bear's. Because of this fact, of course we're going to be giving our blueprint 'rassler a Samoan head - simply because these heads are so versatile.

It's a really hard weapon that could be used to great advantage as much as they want because, and I don't know if you're aware of this, Samoans have really hard heads. A Samoan head, traditionally, is also one that is really hard to knock out meaning that as well as using it on the offensive, it's a valuable tool to have on the defensive due to the amount of abuse it can take.

You also have to look at the likes of Roman Reigns, The Rock and Yokozuna - three of many Samoans who have reached the top in the wrestling world - as examples of how a Samoan head can be used effectively. It's clear that a Samoan's head is a streetwise one that knows how to get ahead in the game. The positives of this feature are endless!

9. Sew The Skin Of A Rhinoceros To Their Forehead

We're skin grafting, people. We're going to take a large chunk of skin from a rhino - not Heath Slater's cheese eating pal, for the record - that has recently deceased from natural causes, and strap it to the forehead area of our Superstar's Samoan head.

Why? Because even in the face of that SummerSlam 2016 finish there's still massive uproar whenever a wrestler, or even Vince McMahon himself, gets busted open hardway. A rhino's skin is so thick that a wild potato from an opposing Superstar, or a blow to the ring post gone wrong, isn't going to produce blood.

We're keeping the sponsors and whatever new network Raw will be on happy here. Think about the money - as Vince once famously said on a Monday night in a really funny accent, 'it's' all about it.

8. Take Away Their Hearing

If I could send one wrestling trope Straight To Hell on the brand new Cultaholic series named as such - hosted by me and available to see NOW on our YouTube channel - it would be this: you know when a couple of dastardly heels are laying the smacketh down on a babyface's candy ass only to be frozen in time when the babyface's best friend's music hits as they come out to make the save?

You do?

I hate that. Why does certain WWE Superstars' music have mystical powers over some other wrestlers?

So to prevent this, and to ensure that when a beat down starts, it finishes, our Superstar will have the power of hearing removed from their Samoan rhino skin-clad head.

Obviously, this feature will come in handy whenever any potential distraction by noise is on the cards. This Superstar is going to be unflappable.

(I know that some of you are thinking that being deaf will leave our Superstar susceptible to sneak attacks from behind. Let's be honest, Randy Orton aside, that doesn't happen in WWE. All we need to do is put our new Superstar on Raw and we're golden, just like Adam Pacitti.)

7. Give Them A Portion Of Of Stone Cold, The Rock, Ric Flair, Jake Roberts, CM Punk And Paul Heyman's Voice Boxes

Roman Reigns can cut a promo when he's not too scripted - I feel it's important to note this before I type what I'm about to type.

You can't make it as a main event player in WWE without being able to hold your own in a verbal joust, so the ability to cut a great promo is a must.

Of course then, we're going to slice open the throats belonging to some of the GOATs in the wrestling speak game, extract a little bit of their voice boxes, create a brand new voice box made up of those slices, and slot it into the little space below the rhino skin-clad Samoan head of our Superstar - it's a little space and not a neck for a reason that will be made clear very soon.

No head injuries | head is a legal weapon | head won't produce the stuff that upsets the sponsors | can't be distracted | greatest talker in the history of the business | not a bad start...

6. Remove Their Neck

Continuing down the body of our new Superstar and the next thing we're going to do is chop a large chunk of their upper vertebrae off - specifically, around the neck area. That's right, we're chopping its neck off because Tomohiro Ishii proves year after year that you don't need one to succeed.

Simply put, no neck = no broken necks = BARE long career.

When our favourite wrestlers bump in the ring a lot of pressure is put on their spine and neck areas. Taking one of those things out of the equation lessens the chance of injury - as much as I want to we can't remove the spine or we'd be left with that really unhappy meme we've ALL seen. Honestly, at this point I'm wondering why the majority of us have necks at all - all they do is cause a spot of bother. Imagine how much better off Kurt Angle would be without one. All his has done for the majority of his adult life is get in the way of his successes.

Now I know some of you are thinking that no neck will be to our Superstar's detriment, but along with Ishii, Batman managed for long enough, and our Superstar is harder than Bruce Wayne ever was.

5. Remove Their Hands And Shoulders

No hands - can't tap out.

No shoulders - can't be pinned AND can wriggle out of a lot of holds.

I know you're thinking that our Superstar can tap out verbally, but because we've given it the most talented voice box in the history of voice boxes, that simply isn't going to happen. This wrestler is a wordsmith and will be able to talk the hind legs off a Big Dog™. Their shtick will get themselves out of any sticky situation.

I also know that a lot of you are wondering how our Superstar is going to carry out a lot of moves without any hands at their disposal. Don't worry, with that rhino skin-clad Samoan head they won't need to do any flamboyant moves - they can just KO their opponent with a solid noggin in an instant and carry on with their day.

I've thought of everything here...

4. Give Them Muscles For Days

Kevin Owens is a wonderful man who I love dearly. He's made it to the top of WWE against all odds, shattering many preconceptions a lot of fans of our ilk had about the company's hiring process.

The success story that is KO doesn't discount Vince McMahon's penchant for big sweaty men, though. I know that Jinder Mahal is an effective heel, but watching him today still screams of the ol' 'X-Pac Heat' rather than hate generated by the things he does in the ring or says on the mic. Frankly, Jinder's done nothing to extinguish the feeling from large parts of the WWE Universe that the only reason he received his push last year was down to his body, and (kayfabe) heritage.

And since it's clear that a good body will still get you further in WWE than a normal one - I say that in the lightest way possible because the Curtis Axels of this world are still absolute monsters compared to you and I - we're going to have to give our Superstar muscles for days, as they say in the trade, because Vince McMahon likes them.

It's better to be safe than sorry. Owens has proved he's an anomaly in terms of WWE Superstars of the recent past, and while our thing is going to be a better talker, lose less and have a harder head, I'm still not willing to leave it to chance when it comes to its physique.

3. Insert The Grapefruits Of A McMahon

Having the grapefruits of a McMahon, either metaphorical or literal, means YOU ARE a McMahon and you can't look weak at any stage on WWE's programming - unless it's WrestleMania or any other very special occasion.

Just look at Shane and Stephanie on WWE's television these days. Stephanie immaculates every single Superstar she comes into contact with, while Shane McMahon has been going on as if he's a legitimate badass and a 'best wrestler in the world' award contender for way too long now. I'm not saying that nepotism has got each of them to where they are because they are both effective in their roles and have provided us with plenty of memorable moments down the years - but with both of them battling above their stations all too often, their surname is an unfortunate coincidence.

So with that in mind, we're going to ensure our Superstar is a McMahon - from the same part of the family tree as Shane and Steph rather than Hornswoggle's bastard section, for the record. That way, they simply can't fail - even if the path to the top is going to be a lot tougher because of course you know Vince will do that because that's just the way he rolls *evil Vince laugh*.

2. Take Away Their Knees

Along with the neck, the first thing you hear WWE Superstars past and present complaining about is their knees. Because so many of our favourite stars from down the years have suffered from the same problems, and because our thing is going to be big AND sweaty making its wheels more susceptible to injury, we're getting rid of its knees and eliminating another potential problem that could get in its way.

Our Superstar is like an old car; it won't have air conditioning, Sat Nav or any other mod cons that just break after a while. Because of this, because there's nothing on it to break, it'll just work like clockwork for the rest of time.

What replaces the knees is up for debate. We could put some wheels and brackets down there so it can snap its legs and place the wheels on the ground like a Transformer. The possibilities are endless. At least it won't be crippled in later life like so many heroes from year's gone by sadly are.

1. Have Them Weigh At Least 500 Pounds And Stand Seven-Feet Tall

There are three things that are certain in life: death, Maggle Cole shouting THE BIG DOG at the first sight of Roman Reigns and Vince McMahon liking big, sweaty men a bit more than an average-sized bloke. Because of this, we're making our Superstar as big and as sweaty as the authorities will allow us. It's all self-explanatory really...

So what do you get if you put all of this together? You get a Samoan-headed, rhino-thick-skinned, deaf, great talking, neckless, unbeatable, massive, muscular, kneeless McMahon - otherwise known as the perfect WWE Superstar - otherwise known as... art.



What a load of nonsense...