We’re all about celebrating professional wrestling here at Cultaholic, which is why I’ve taken an unenviable challenge upon myself. By the end of this article, you WILL like John Cena – maybe.
I know you don’t like John. I know you’re in that half of the audience that chants “John Cena sucks” every single time he makes his way down to the ring. I know you’re the type of person who would burn every single item of his merch like Arsenal fans do the jersey of the latest big player to leave their horrible little club – although that would involve you buying all of his merch in the first place which would be a massive waste of your weekly wage. That’s not saying your weekly wage is pitiful, of course. It’s just that luminous man has a hell of a lot of items for sale.
Don’t get me wrong, I was in that half of the audience for a very long time. A part of my soul would die each and every time John would be decimated for long periods of a big match, only for him to come back and win the thing in the end. This is why I am who I am today. That man killed every last part of my being circa 2005-11 – not really, but I’m trying to get you invested in this article, ya dig?
So just like I did a few years ago when it comes to SuperCena, release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in, no one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips, drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins – the rest is still unwritten…
10. He’s Managed To Achieve So Much In Life With a Chav’s Haircut
He might try and tell you his hairstyle is inspired by the armed forces or something along those lines, but there’s no question that John Cena’s head wouldn’t look out of place in the dark depths of Blyth, Ashington, and other surrounding chav-filled areas. The rest of his body certainly would, just to clarify.
AMERICANS! These are places close to Newcastle – my hometown – where a mystical sub-human race are obliged to wear only tracksuits, have at least seven children by the age of 18, and have an unhealthy penchant for New Monkey. Go listen to New Monkey, by the way, it’s a hoot.
John Cena’s short back and sides with accompanying cow’s lick – I feel your pain, sir – simply should not belong on the shoulders of a man with a massive house and millions of dollars in the bank.
They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. If this is true, then John Cena wants to throw all of the wrestling, TV presenting and movies away in favour of working night shift stacking shelves at ASDA.