Trying to describe Vince McMahon using actual literal human words is like trying to catch a tsunami in a bucket. The man defies comprehension. For us fans who aren't allowed through the doors at Titan Towers, a truly fascinating legend has been created down the years. We've all heard the stories from a who's who of credible sources, and while some of them are hard to believe you just do because he's Vince McMahon. There's nobody like him alive today.
Since being outed as WWE's Commander-in-chief way back in 1997, the character of Mr McMahon has been all over the product for the past two decades. Speaking in terms of 'nonsense entertainment per segment' alone, Vince McMahon may just be the most accomplished performer in the history of wrestling.
But some of Vince's best moments aren't him strutting like a peacock with cash for feathers. Turns out what Vinny is really good at is getting his ass kicked.
VKM is a billionaire septuagenarian who has spent most of his golden years putting himself through grotesque physical torture all for the approval of ravenous fans the world over. Some might say in his position he's almost obliged to, but many a boss would happily sit behind the scenes and count the zeros. Not Vinnie, though, and all credit to him. The tale goes that he would never, ever ask any of his Superstars to do something he wouldn't and he's proven that this admirable way of conducting business is certainly true with his actions.
Note: this isn't just a list of the times Corporal Grapefruits has received a humiliating comeuppance. This is about the man taking wretched physical beatings for your entertainment. Viva Vince McMahon.
10. An Unprotected KO Blow
Psychologists have spent decades wondering just what is inside Vince McMahon's head but on the September 12, 2017, episode of Smackdown Live, we got treated to a little glimpse as the Chairman was busted open hardway by a legitimate headbutt from Kevin Owens.
In the programme that culminated with Owens and Shane McMahon inside Hell in a Cell, WWE sent shockwaves around the fanbase with the stunt. After all, anyone who's a fan of Jack Gallagher, for example, should be aware that there are perfectly safe ways to delivers a sickening looking headbutt. Obviously, that's not Vince's style and backstage the SEVENTY-TWO YEAR OLD MAN reportedly told Owens to really go for it and scramble his brains. Sure, the attack also included a Superkick and a Frog Splash, but the key fact here is that Vince McMahon insisted on taking a shoot headbutt when he should not be doing that thing. Because he is crazy. And that's why we love him.
9. Taking An F5 At 67-Years-Old
Upon his return to WWE in 2012, and before founding Suplex City, Brock Lesnar was presented as an unstoppable mercenary force unable to be contained by even WWE's top brass. And while we're here, brass doesn't get any higher in terms of WWE than ol' Johnny Grapefruits.
To demonstrate Lesnar's unpredictable fury, and also that Vince doesn't have all his ducks in a row, on January 28th, 2013, Lesnar returned to Raw after 'quitting' post-SummerSlam 2012 scooping up the Chairman and dropping him right on his sixty-seven-year-old hips.
This was to write Vince off TV for a while so that he could undergo hip surgery. Reportedly, Vince chose to take the F5 because, hell, if anything went wrong, he was going under the knife anyway, right? Absolute madness.
8. Punted In The Head By Randall
And speaking of writing people off TV for a while there's no wrestling move more kayfabe reliable for doing that than Randy Orton's Punt Kick. Even now, in a world where a DDT is a transitional move and people use Superkicks to brush their teeth, the Punt still carries weight as deadly, career-shortening super-manoeuvre.
Of course Vince McMahon's taken one! After all, the man is infamous for his backstage policy of not asking his employees to do anything that he wouldn't be willing to do himself. And in this instance it's fair to say he was more than willing to go the extra mile, the nutter.
In January 2009, Randy Orton was going through his unhinged 'most evil man in the world' gimmick before his unhinging went all-the-way. He kicked Vince in the head, and he really kicked him too. Go and watch all of the slow-motion replays. There's no faking that blow to the cranium. I guess the only thing you can say is... dayum. There was so much impact Orton's boot lace gave Vince a nasty cut on the head and there were even backstage rumours circulating of the boss getting a concussion.
7. Patricide At WrestleMania X-Seven
At the Best WrestleMania ever, fans were treated to one of the finest displays of comeuppance ever held within four ropes. After months of divorcing Linda McMahon, drugging Linda McMahon, then kissing with Trish in front of Linda McMahon (shudders), Vince finally got his at the hands of his son, as well as the foot of his broken wife.
It may not have been Vince's most savage beating, but the sight of a (never forget) publicly-traded-company CEO being whammed in the grapefruits and having a bin dropkicked into his face is pretty insane. You just know most people in his position would just sit back and count the money. We love you, Vince.
And lest any of us forget, this wasn't your standard standing Dropkick to a bin. This was Shane McMahon springboarding across the entire ring and hurtling his entire body weight into a metal object that was placed next to his father's head.
6. Blading Himself Half To Death Against The Undertaker
That's one more check in the 'things I wouldn't ask my employees to do without doing it myself column' and much like Randy's kick, Vince took the act of blading and VINCEANIZED it. That's probably the worst thing I've ever typed out. I'm going home.
In the leadup to Survivor Series 2003 Vince believed that he was being tasked by God to destroy The Undertaker. However, at Survivor Series 2003, Undertaker murdered Vince McMahon. Like properly. Right in the grapefruits.
In order to get over just how one-sided the beatdown was to be before the Kane-swerve ending, Vince bladed after literally the first punch was thrown by Taker. He bladed, and bladed deep, with blood streaming from his head all over the canvas. It was a difficult watch but further proof of Vince's commitment to self-oblivion in the eyes of the fans.
5. That Elbow Drop
Another WrestleMania, another opportunity for Vince McMahon to get himself battered for cash and not in the same way that I did in Benidorm circa 2009. The man tasked with elderly destruction? Shawn Michaels, with whom Vince McMahon tussled for almost a full year in 2006.
In the build leading to their No Holds Barred match (of course it was) at Mania XXII, Michaels and McMahon had been at war for months with Vince and Shane screwing HBK during the Royal Rumble match, screwing him at the returning Saturday Night Main Event, and inducting The Showstopper into Vince's super-exclusive Kiss My Ass club.
Naturally, Michaels picked Vince apart on the Grandest Stage Of Them All but the most ludicrous spot of all was Shawn elbow-dropping McMahon from the top of a 15-foot ladder, through a table, while Vince had a trashcan over his head. That is a Russian doll of preposterous wrestling punishments if I've ever seen one.
4. That Fall
I mean, that image isn't from the fall but it's a really good picture from the same match so I've used it OK?!
Nowadays, WWE announce tables are potentially the most poorly treated employees that Vince has as they constantly succumb to a big, sweaty, plummeting men. Perhaps Vince hates them so much because he took a really nasty tumble through one in 1999. Even though we love the man dearly, we all know he's very petty and loves to hold a grudge for ages before forgetting about it all just in time for a WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony. In that case, expect this announce table to go in the hall very soon.
At St Valentine's Day Massacre, Stone Cold Steve Austin fought Vince inside a steel cage for the right to fight the WWF Champion at Wrestlemania XV. Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon doesn't exactly sound like a fair fight, and nor was it with Austin dissecting his boss before a baying crowd.
The most vicious spot, of course, was reserved for the Chairman as he fell from the cage wall, smashing through the aforementioned announce table. And he didn't go through the middle like most... OHHH NOOO! The announce table was positioned just a bit too far away and even though his leap backwards was more exaggerated than The Rock selling a Stunner, Vince fell right onto the lip of it, right on the corner where it's the most solid, actually legit-bouncing before the table gave way.
3. Another Fall
Most of the moments on this list were brutally enacted on Vince while he was in full Mr McMahon heel mode. Makes sense, Mr McMahon is the most ludicrously OTT villain that has never featured in an episode of Power Rangers, so it's only fitting. However, one of Vince's most prolonged ass-whuppings actually took place during the rare moments of planet-alignment when he was face.
Triple H had committed the cardinal workplace faux pas by kidnapping his boss' daughter, drugging her, and marrying her against her will. Vince was, shall we say, miffed by this. A No Holds Barred match was scheduled with the stakes being that if Vince won, Trips' marriage to his daughter would be annulled, but if HHH won, he would receive a title shot. Wrestling's mint.
The match itself lasted OVER 28 MINUTES and Vince was 54-YEARS-OLD at the time. Bizarrely, The Vinman got a large amount of offence in on The Game thanks to a well-timed delivery of weapons from Mankind, but that didn't stop him from taking a royal beating. Nine months before his son Shane plunged to the ground from the set at Summerslam 2000, Vince took a 20-foot tumble from scaffolding to an obviously concealed crashmat.
Add a pair of sledgehammer shots and a shopping trolly to the face into the mix and you've got a classic Vince cocktail.
2. The One Inside The Cell
A few entries ago we covered the fact that Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon were having a bit of a spat in 2006. That continued long after WrestleMania XXII with Vince and son Shane recruiting as many cheerleaders as they could afford to battle Michaels, who would eventually be joined by old D-Generation X comrade, Triple H.
After the spirit squad failed to stop the reuniting DX, Vince called upon The Big Show and the match was booked for Unforgiven 2006: a 3-on-2 Handicap Match with Show, Vince and Shane vs. DX inside Hell in a Cell. It did not end well for the McMahons.
Everyone bled in this match, Triple H especially, with his face looking like he'd mistaken it for a slice of toast with jam in hand at the breakfast table. Not only was Vince left soaking crimson by all the punishment, not only did he take the ultra-rare sledgehammer shot when someone actually swings it like a hammer, but he also got his head plunged into Big Show's arse crack. I feel sorry for Vince McMahon now.
1. Unprotected Chair Shots For Days
Well, since this list began with Vince McMahon doing reckless things to his own brain, it's only right that it should end the same way. A lot of Vince's employees have been tasked with taking unprotected steel chair shots to the head over the years and, well, we know how the boss doesn't like to ask of his employees something he wouldn't do himself. Why does he do it to himself? He must like the pain, the kinky bastard.
There are countless examples of Vince getting his head mullered over the years. It happened multiple times during his feud with Austin, especially at Over the Edge '98 (above), the Royal Rumble '99, and Backlash '00. He's also eaten sickening shots at multiple Manias in no-DQ matches.
Frankly, the fact that Vince McMahon is still able to walk to the ring in order to take a shoot headbutt is insane. Despite the fans' grumbling about his booking predilections, we have to at the very least show recognition for the amount of punishment he's gone through in his life, all in order to show us a good time.