WWE SmackDown Retro GRADED: January 15, 2004 - A Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap Match (Seriously)

Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to SmackDown, which is taking place at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut. On tap for tonight is a WWE Tag Team Title match as The Bashams defend against Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty.

WWE SmackDown GRADED - January 15, 2004:

Paul Heyman is already in the ring to start the show and talks about how the Royal Rumble match is the ultimate gamble for WWE stars. Since only 15 SmackDown stars can enter it, the winners of tonight’s matches will receive a spot in the Rumble.

But here comes John Cena – who is already in the Rumble – to rap about bounced cheques and generally insult Heyman by making poop noises. He loads up the FU, but Rhyno comes out with a Gore for the save. Heyman promises that tonight will be a night Cena will never forget.

Jamie Noble w/Nidia def. Tajiri w/Akio & Sakoda

This was supposed to happen last week but Noble was late getting to the arena and Heyman forced the still-blind Nidia to take Noble’s place. The winner gets a Cruiserweight Title shot against Rey Mysterio at the Royal Rumble. Mysterio joins on commentary.

Tajiri takes control early with punches and kicks. He puts Noble on the top rope near the turnbuckles and gives him a couple more kicks, which get two. Tajiri tries to slap on the abdominal stretch but Noble neckbreakers his way out of trouble. Noble fires up with various strikes as the crowd chants "USA." 

The Tarantula is blocked and Noble dropkicks Tajiri out of mid-air. Noble sets up for the tiger bomb, but Akio grabs Nidia on the outside. Noble sorts him out, while Mysterio abandons the commentary table to fend off Sakoda. Noble throws Mysterio into the barricade and then pulls Nidia in the way of a Tajiri dive. What a wonderful jerk. Back inside the ring, the tiger bomb makes Noble the number-one contender. 

After the match, Noble feigns concern for Nidia. 

Grade: C- - These guys typically work well together but there is only so much they can do in the little time they are allotted.

After replaying the opening segment, Heyman, standing on an elevated platform on the stage, books a Wash Your Mouth Out with Soap Match for tonight. If Rhyno beats John Cena, Cena will have to literally wash his mouth out with a bar of soap. If Cena wins, however, Heyman will wash his own mouth out with soap.

Last week, Hardcore Holly beat The Big Show in a Street Fight. Lesnar and Big Show (in a neck brace) are backstage with some police officers, who are there to enforce a 50 ft restraining order Show has against Holly. Lesnar will be by Show’s side all night, too.

Last week, Chavo Guerrero turned on Uncle Eddie after Los Guerreros lost to the Bashams. In the locker room, Kurt Angle sits down with Eddie and insists he has only been trying to help the Guerreros. Chavo Jr won’t be here tonight, but his dad (and Eddie’s brother) Chavo Sr, will be. Angle overheard Heyman talking about Eddie vs. Chavo at the Rumble, which disqualifies both Guerreros from being in the Rumble itself. Eddie doesn’t want to beat up his own family, but he does want Kurt to stay out of his business.

We’re supposed to get the WWE Tag Team Title match, but Dawn Marie informs Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty that they will now be competing against one another in a singles match, with the winner getting a spot in the Rumble.

Rikishi def. Scotty 2 Hotty

They stare at each other until Rikishi pushes Scotty, causing Scotty to fire off some right hands. Rikishi with a thrust to the throat, but he misses a corner charge and Scotty gets two off a schoolboy pin. A clothesline knocks Scotty down. He wriggles out of the Samoan drop, but Rikishi floors him with a superkick. The Banzai Drop sends Rikishi to the Rumble. 

Grade: D - Just a squash to get Rikishi and his massive arse in the Rumble.

We get video highlights of a recent SmackDown house show loop in Michigan where the good folks were treated to a main event of Rey Mysterio defending his Cruiserweight Title in fatal four-ways (refereed by Kurt Angle) against Chavo Guerrero, Tajiri and… A-Train? Okay then.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas) def. The Basham Brothers (Danny Basham & Doug Basham) w/Shaniqua

Tazz announces beforehand that this is non-title, but both members of the winning team will be entered into the Rumble. 

Danny tackles Haas down and slaps him in the back of the head, so Haas takes him down and clubs him hard in the back. Shelton and Doug tag in and Shelton launches him with an exploder suplex. Haas argues with the referee, allowing Shaniqua to grab Shelton, who takes a double baseball slide to the midsection on the floor.

The Bashams work over Shelton, who eventually throws Doug and tags out to Haas. The Bashams bump and feed for Haas, who gets two off a schoolboy while holding the tights. As the referee gets Danny out of the ring, Shelton sneaks in and hits Doug with a superkick, allowing Haas to jackknife him for the win.

Grade: D - Not much heat to this one, which is to be expected with two heel mid-card tag teams out there. The WGTT are, of course, the better choice for the Rumble.

Chavo Sr is out to apologise on behalf of his son, who he is ashamed of. Eddie comes out and, naturally, suspects a setup. He doesn’t feel an apology on Chavo Jr’s behalf is good enough, but he himself apologises to Sr for getting so angry. 

He asks Chavo Sr if this is how he raised his son and Sr agrees that Jr should be out to apologise himself. Cue Chavo Jr as Sr attacks Eddie from behind. It was a setup all along?!? Michael Cole’s world will never be the same again! Anyway, father and son beat up Eddie and then get the hell out of the arena after Angle runs out for the save.

The FBI are out for a six-man tag, but here’s Dawn Marie to inform them that they will instead compete against each other in a three-man battle royal. The winner gets a spot in the Royal Rumble.

Nunzio def. Chuck Palumbo & Johnny Stamboli - Three-Man Battle Royal

Nunzio tries to convince the other two to jump out of the ring so he can win, but Palumbo punches him in the face instead. Stamboli press slams Nunzio into the ropes, but Palumbo kicks Stamboli in the head, preventing an elimination. Palumbo with a buckle bomb on Nunzio, but Stamboli dropkicks him from behind. Palumbo quickly superkicks Stamboli, who is on the apron, to eliminate him, as Nunzio immediately runs up behind Palumbo and eliminates him to book his place in the Rumble. 

After the match, Nunzio tells his teammates that he’s going to win the Rumble for the three of them. I like his chances.

Grade: D - Another quick match without much to it as far as the in-ring action was concerned.

Backstage, Eddie is hot and looking for Chavo, but runs into Kurt Angle instead. Angle denies being in on the setup and doesn’t want to fight. Eddie doesn’t want to fight, either, but thanks Angle for helping him to see the light and realise he actually wants to kick his nephew’s head in.

Big Show w/Brock Lesnar def. Funaki

Funaki is already in the ring as we come back from a break. Big Show is in a neck brace and comes out surrounded by the police officers. The winner gets a spot in the Royal Rumble. 

Big Show with a chop and a hip toss out of the corner. "Stone Cold" Hardcore Holly shows up in the entranceway and distracts Show. Funaki jumps on Show’s back but, well, that wasn’t going to work now, was it? Show’s neck is too hurt to do the Chokeslam, so he just punches Funaki in the face for the win.

Grade: D - Whole lotta nothing here, as it was just a quick squash to get Show officially in the Rumble. Holly was reduced to just standing there and shaking his head at Show and Lesnar as he continues to be far from the strongest challenger to the WWE Title.

Backstage, Paul Heyman tries to fire Rhyno up for his match with John Cena later. He wants Rhyno to do this for America, dammit, because Cena is poisoning the youth of the nation. He wants the old, ECW Rhyno out there tonight.  Don’t we all, Paul. Don’t we all. 

It’s time for the Best of Billy Gunn Countdown and the number-two Billy Gunn moment: winning the 1999 King of the Ring tournament. History (and a brutal verbal takedown by The Rock) will show that was not a seminal moment for Mr. Ass.

John Cena def. Rhyno w/Paul Heyman

It’s time for the first-ever (and last-ever) Wash Your Mouth Out with Soap Match! Before the bell, Heyman instructs the referee to disqualify Cena for any minor provocation. Rhyno, on the other hand, cannot be DQ’d or counted out, which Heyman calls ECW rules. Seems fair. 

Rhyno attacks to start and throws Cena over the top rope. Cena fires back with a couple of clotheslines and one of the weirdest-looking dropkicks you will ever see, before hitting a diving shoulder tackle and another big clothesline. 

Rhyno threatens to walk out, so Cena runs out and throws him back in the ring. Rhyno with a running shoulder charge in the corner as he takes over. He smacks Cena with a kendo stick a handful of times and then whips him into the stairs. A chair shot to the back gets two, but Cena reverses a whip into the corner, and Rhyno hits the chair. 

Cena fires back and hits the Throwback, followed by a top-rope elbow to the back of the neck. He loads up the FU, but Heyman runs in and hits a low blow to prevent it. Cena evades the Gore, but gets thrown into the barricade on the outside. Back inside, Rhyno lies Cena down on a flat table but Cena moves out the way of a top-rope splash. 

Rhyno with a spinebuster and tries to Gore Cena through a table propped up in the corner, but misses, with the table pretty much exploding on impact. Cena knocks Heyman off the apron and hits the FU for the win. 

After the match, Heyman tries to flee but Chris Benoit stops him from doing so and slaps on a sharpshooter. From there, Cena basically forces Heyman to eat the soap as Heyman screams whenever Benoit cinches in the hold. Cena and Benoit laugh it up as the show goes off the air.

Grade: C- - This was long. A lot longer than Cena should probably be expected to go at this point, to be honest. He’s still pretty rough around the edges, but the fans are well into him. Trying to reheat Rhyno for a night didn’t work too well, as he’s been floundering for a while now. The match wasn’t too bad or anything, but it felt like it dragged a little at points.

Show Grade: D+ - There was really no great wrestling this week and everything was really short, besides the main event. It’s starting to feel like WWE have already given up on the upcoming title match between Brock Lesnar and Hardcore Holly and are more focused on pushing the likes of John Cena, Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit for the future. Could do worse, I suppose.