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10 Clues That Could End The 'What Kind Of Animal Is Dave Batista?' Conundrum

A completely serious investigation...

I know, I know, it's the question you never knew absolutely did your head in...

Did you know that Evolution is a mystery? Well so is Dave Batista - which is lovely since he was the middle child of the group. He didn't get as much attention as young, hung and full of... things, Randy Orton, while Grandad Flair was too preoccupied with his biological son, Triple H. That left Big Dave to just live. It's a beautifully sad story really, but didn't he do well in the end?

"When I came here they had: three Freebirds, they had the Junkyard dog, two Bulldogs with Matilda, another dog. You had two Killer Bees, you had a guy with a snake, you had a Hawaiian guy with a lizard ... I'm not done yet! And to top it all off, I'm The Weasel doing commentary with a Gorilla! Dammit!"

Bobby Heenan made a very good point as he waltzed into the WWE Hall of Fame back in 2004: WWE loves their animals. Just look at the landscape of today for proof. We've got a Big Dog, a Lone Wolf, a Viper, a Fooooooooooooooooooooox, and more. While all of these species have been clearly identified, it would seem that not even Sir David Attenborough could work out was species The Animal actually is. Here are some clues that could finally point us in the right direction?

10. The Opening Lyric Of His Entrance Theme


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"I walk for miles inside this pit of danger
A place where no one follows me; I walk alone"

As we all know, every single wrestler's theme is written by the wrestler themselves. It's their opportunity to convey their sentiments about stepping into the ring and fighting to the death. It's also an opportunity for them to tell us fans something that we might not pick up just by looking at them.

So then, I've worked out from the opening of Batista's theme that he is an animal with no wings.

First of all, he's walking - why would you do that if you had wings? And secondly, he's talking about being inside a supposed 'pit of danger', which would also hint at a lack of modified forelimbs that bear large feathers that are used for flying because surely he'd just fly away if he could.

Also, he's alone. He doesn't have a family. He's not part of a shrewdness, a parliament or a risk - those are the names for a group of apes, owls and lobsters, apparently.


9. The Mythology Surrounding His Penis


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I know, it's crass. I need to bring it up though as in the midst of all the rumour and innuendo, there's a massive hint towards what animal Batista could be. Let's just get this over with in a swift fashion and get on with our lives.

It's supposed to be huge. Therefore, there's a strong chance that Dave Batista is a horse since there is a well known saying that ties larger penises and horses together.

Let's move on.

8. The Ballad Of Little Dave Batista


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We're so, sorry, little Dave Batista
We must, leave you, with this foster family

Irregardless, little Dave Batista
We still, must leave you, with this foster family

Duly, noted, little Dave Batista
We still have to, leave you with this family

Whyyyyyyyyy did you go
(must you leave)
I'm so scared

In an attempt to give his Superstars layered and nuanced character backstories, Vince McMahon wanted to make Batista a foster child, explaining why he was so big and angry and hurty. Ric Flair, in the meantime, would become Dave's kayfabe father figure and explained why every single time The Nature Boy would be on the receiving end of a beating, Batista would leap to his defence.

Go and check out E & C's Pod Of Awesomeness for this story in full. It's a hoot!

So then, since he was a foster child, and an animal, we can assume that Batista is an animal that was housed in a kennel/shelter/rescue centre for part of his life. That could mean a dog, or a cat, or something else.

7. Does He Like Jackass?


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Because if he does, and that is indeed his own version of Steve-O's famous tattoo on his back we may have found our answer. If Dave has, it's clear that he's some kind of Japanese dragon (I hope that's what that is. I'm sorry if it's not).

This will come as a shock to most wrestling fans due to the fact that Dave has inadvertently stolen the gimmick of another famous dragon called Ricky. I'm also sure the likes of Ultimo Dragon, the Mighty Mighty Monster Monster Medieval Medieval, Dragon Dragon, and Drago are also suitably miffed.

You don't take another wrestler's gimmick, brother - unless you're Dave Batista (maybe).


6. Leviathan


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This was Dave's goth phase. We've all been through one, I'm sure. The only difference here is the fact that he lived his out in the public eye while performing for OVW, WWE's old developmental territory.

I've taken the following definition from Wikipedia because as we all know, anyone can edit the damn thing which means you're always guaranteed to get the best information possible:

"Leviathan is a sea monster referenced in the Hebrew Bible in the Book of Job, Psalms, the Book of Isaiah, and the Book of Amos. The Leviathan of the Book of Job is a reflection of the older Canaanite Lotan, a primaeval monster defeated by the god Hadad."

Looking at the pictures on said Wikipedia article goes a long way to explain what creature is actually in Batista's back tattoo. That's two in the column for sea monster then!

5. His Religious Background


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Back when Batista debuted on WWE's main roster he portrayed the character of Deacon Batista, Revered D'Von's enforcer-cum-collector of money from fans in the front row of SmackDown tapings - which they would actually keep and spend in bars after the shows, didn't you know?

Being so closely linked to a man of the cloth narrows down the amount of animals Batista could be. According to some article on another website on the internet The Bible uses five animals to symbolise Jesus Christ, they are: the lamb, the lion, the hen, the worm and the bronze serpent.

Answers on a postcard, please.

While we're here and talking about D-Von and his failed gimmick, Dave's links a bloke who clearly likes wood more than most human beings means he could also be a woodpecker or beaver, I guess.

Is this what investigative journalism is?

4. Whatever This Is


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I guess I should also be asking what type of animal Animal from the Road Warriors/LOD is here... that's a separate article all on its own I think!

But here, of course, I'm not talking about the goat-faced thing on the left, silly. There's a chance, however, that whatever Animal from The Muppets is could be the animal Dave Batista is; they go by the same name after all.

What animal that is has been up for debate for decades. I'm sure there's a Muppets aficionado out there who can set the record straight for us all. @RossOnRasslin on Twitter if you do know.

There is the chance that Batista, like The Muppets' Animal, could just be a party animal. Some say the red-nosed version's bushy hair and eyebrows are a nod to the likes of The Who's Keith Moon and Cream's Ginger Baker - two men who certainly knew how to have a good time in their day.


3. "I'm The Predator, I'm The World Heavyweight Champion, And I'm The Top Of The Food Chain!"


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This is possibly the most conclusive indication so far.

Back on the 11 April 2005 episode of Raw, new World Heavyweight Champion Batista cut a promo where he said that he wanted to fight Triple H GRRRRR!

He also provided us with the above quote which presumably means he's something other than human - shocking, I know. According to an article on Forbes, we're not top of the food chain because: "Ecologists rank species by their diets using a metric called the trophic level. Plants, which produce their own food, are given a rank of 1. Herbivores, which eat only plants, are ranked 2. The fiercest of meat-loving predators, such as killer whales, rank at 5.5."

Batista is a plant. Pass it on.

2. His Troubled Childhood


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Here is a picture of David Michael Bautista playing volleyball in his garden at 9 years of age. Awwww.

This has absolutely nothing do with the Ballad of Little Dave Batista. What I'm about to bring up here is a shoot, brother. Batista had a bit of a troubled childhood, his dad wasn't really around leaving his mother to do all she could for him. Batista himself said that without a strong male presence in his life he got into trouble in his younger years, "nothing too serious, but I was no angel." This trouble reportedly included stealing a couple of cars, with this penchant for theft possibly giving us our latest clue into what animal he actually is.

According to another website on the internet, Animal Planet are cited ranking the top 9 'animal thieves' as: the scorpionfly, the gull, the squirrel, the octopus, the arctic fox, the jay, the hyena, the Rhesus Macaque and finally, the sperm whale.

I guess with tendencies like this in his younger years, Batista could be any of the above.

1. His Penchant For Basketballs


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That's BASKETBALLS. Definitely not Melina (anymore).

Certain animals like balls such as basketballs to play with. My Auntie's dogs love having a roll around in the grass with a lovely football they've ravaged over a few months.

It's clear that Batista shares this love for balls as he was so offended when The Great Khali popped one using only his massive, scary hands back in the day.

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That's right, basketballs do not hold grudges, but Batista certainly does. My auntie's dogs get a bit miffed when she takes the balls away so please don't do the same to Batista or you'll feel some modicum of pain it seems. I'll let you draw up a list of all the animals that love balls - that's sure to narrow our search down a hell of a lot!

I have no idea what we've learned during the course of this article but we've certainly learned something. What kind of animal do you think Dave Batista is? Please let me know and maybe we'll inch slightly closer to solving his mystery.

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Ross Tweddell

Written by Ross Tweddell

Presenter over on the Cultaholic Wrestling YouTube channel. Email: [email protected]