10 Infamous Pro Wrestling Squash Matches

Squash matches are supposed to be a standard piece of business.

Over and done with before you really have time to even think about them, they’re not necessarily designed to live long in the memory.

There have been thousands of televised squash matches over the years and the vast majority of them are innocuous. Not these bad boys, though.

Whether it was due to the participants, the content of the match itself or the result, the following bouts may have been short, but they sure were spectacular in their own way.

These are 10 Infamous Pro Wrestling Squash Matches.

10. Rick Rude vs. Mark Starr

Big, ripped, mean and with one of the most impressive moustaches in the game, Ravishing Rick Rude was a feared man in any locker room.

Now, we’re not entirely sure just what English journeyman Mark Starr did to irk Rude before they clashed in a WCW International World Heavyweight Title match at the April 21, 1994 Saturday Night tapings, but something was clearly off from the start.

Rude stared down his opponent and then proceeded to beat the ever-loving jobber out of him with brutal clotheslines and a rib-shattering punt to the mid-section after Starr made the mistake of catching the champ’s kick and forcing him to hop around on one foot.

Starr made another mistake when he attempted to fire back with slaps, earning him a straight punch to the jaw for his troubles.

In some ways, it was totally routine as Rude got the win within four minutes, but watching it back there is clearly something amiss.

Interestingly, this was Rude’s second-last match ever, as he suffered a career-ending back injury in Japan just a couple of weeks later.

9. David Sammartino vs. Ron Shaw

David Sammartino might not have been close to the star his legendary father Bruno was, but you’d still expect him to beat the lowly Ron Shaw, wouldn’t you?

Well, Ron Shaw certainly did, when the two met at the Philadelphia Spectrum on November 22, 1985. As did WWE management.

Sammartino had different ideas, though, and decided to throw a spanner in the works by having his opponent go over instead.

Rather than win as scheduled, he first tried to lose by pinfall, only for Shaw to pull him off the mat at the last second, which the commentators covered for by claiming he was being arrogant.

But when Ron put him in a bearhug, the son of the Living Legend very quickly and clearly submitted. Cue a lot of confusion on the part of Shaw, the referee, ring announcer Mel Philipps and announcer Gorilla Monsoon.

Years later, David would admit to throwing the match as a way to stick it to Vince McMahon, who he felt was ‘arrogant’ and playing politics with his career.

8. Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Daniel Bryan and Sheamus had to have been disappointed that their United States Title lumberjack match was shunted onto the WrestleMania 27 pre-show.

Even more disappointingly, they were only given a shade over four minutes and it ended in a no contest.

Thankfully, they would be given the opportunity to run it back a year later on the main card, with 2012 Royal Rumble winner Sheamus challenging for Bryan’s World Heavyweight Title.

But rather than the pace-setting banger of an opener we were all expecting, D-Bry instead dropped the gold to the Celtic Warrior after just 28 seconds, courtesy of a single Brogue Kick following a kiss from AJ Lee.

It did get people talking and, it could be argued, was the spark that led to the groundswell of support that birthed the YES Movement, but at the time it was a seriously contentious decision and it remains an infamous squash match.

7. Big Van Vader vs. Antonio Inoki

New Japan Pro-Wrestling founder Antonio Inoki wasn’t just a star – he was an icon and a cultural institution.

One of his country’s most cherished wrestlers, Inoki rarely, if ever, lost. If he did, you can bet your chin he didn’t go down without a fight or due to some serious shenanigans.

He certainly had a fight on his hands when he met a debuting Big Van Vader on December 12, 1987. Inoki had just beaten Riki Choshu by disqualification in a short but feisty match when he was challenged by The Mastadon.

The big man proceeded to completely swallow him up, ending Inoki’s long winning streak by pinning him for the first time in years after a completely one-sided match in a paltry 2 minutes and 49 seconds.

Disbelief turned to anger when Vader continued his assault after the bell had sounded and the Japanese fans rioted in protest.

It took police an hour to calm the situation down and Sumo Hall subsequently banned New Japan from running the building for close to two years.

On the plus side, the convincing victory established Vader as a major star from the get-go and he would go on to be a money-spinning draw for the promotion for years to come.

6. Brock Lesnar vs. Zach Gowen

Zach Gowen was overmatched by every member of the WWE roster during his short, improbable stay in the company. One-legged and undersized, Gowen nonetheless managed to pull off some miraculous upsets during his brief time there.

And then he ran into Brock Lesnar. Or, rather, Brock Lesnar ran almost through him when the vindictive Vince McMahon booked poor Zach against the Next Big Thing on the August 21, 2003 episode of SmackDown.

Brock had freshly turned heel and was due to clash with WWE Champion Kurt Angle at SummerSlam just a few days later, so WWE knew they had to put over the challenger strong.

Wrestling in his hometown and with his mother at ringside, Gowen was like a lamb to the slaughter and took a savage beating that included one of the most brutal chair shots in WWE history.

The way Zach was manhandled and left in a bloody heap on the floor was too uncomfortable for some, who felt that Lesnar had crossed a line.

Ironically, Brock actually lost the match by disqualification. Gowen had his remaining leg ‘broken in two places’, but he got the moral victory, didn’t he?

5. Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

It’s no surprise to see Brock Lesnar steamrolling through anyone, given his explosiveness and legitimacy. It’s altogether more jarring to see someone else dominate him.

When it was announced that Goldberg would be returning to face Lesnar at the 2016 Survivor Series, it was hard to know what to expect.

After all, the two had stunk out the joint at WrestleMania 20 over 12 years earlier, in what was assumed at the time to be Da Man’s last WWE match.

Would they now try to go out and have the epic encounter they failed to deliver on the Grandest Stage all those years ago? Not quite.

One shove, two spears and a Jackhammer later and the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion had knocked off his old rival in an 86 exhilarating seconds.

It was awesome, yes, but also came out of absolutely nowhere and was an unprecedented loss for the Beast Incarnate, who had been protected and definitively beaten everyone over the course of the preceding two-and-a-half years.

4. The Skyscrapers vs. Avalanche & Mike Blackwell

If you were a jobber back in the day, you turned up, you got beaten by the real stars and then you went on to the next one, if you were lucky enough to be invited back. No questions asked, no ambiguities.

Sounds simple enough, but the quality of the job guys fluctuated massively, from the very good to the downright incompetent.

Like Mike Blackwell, the man who decided to no-sell the offence of Sid Vicious and Dan Spivey. Despite being half the size of both members of The Skyscrapers, Blackwell thought it would be in his best interests to shrug off their moves and strikes and bounce back to his feet the second he hit the mat.

It was not in his best interests. Taking matters into their own hands, Sid and Spivey decided to give him a legitimate kicking after they had finally managed to get him down long enough to win the match.

Spivey, in particular, seemed to relish throwing a couple of live rounds at the uncooperative Blackwell who, it should be noted, promptly disappeared off the face of the earth. Spivey later said things “got worse” for Blackwell when he got backstage.

3. The Ultimate Warrior vs. Triple H

Feeling the heat as WCW gained ground in the Monday Night Wars, WWE called upon one of their biggest – and most problematic – stars from the past in the run-up to WrestleMania 12.

The Ultimate Warrior had twice left WWE in acrimonious circumstances before, but there was a war going on.

Making his grand return after almost four years away, Warrior certainly looked the part and, true to form, completely brushed passed a hot young prospect named Hunter Hearst Helmsley, putting him away in 1 minute and 39 seconds.

This ruffled a few feathers, since Triple H was in the middle of a push at the time and Jim Hellwig had supposedly put the kibosh on any suggestion that the two have a more competitive match.

As far as he was concerned, the match was about him and his return, so why not completely shrug off a Pedigree and then triumph with minimal effort?

The Game’s seething likely didn’t subside when the Warrior/WWE relationship (predictably) soured just a couple of months later.

2. The Rockers vs. The Genius & Chuck Austin

It’s amazing to think now, but decades ago it was not uncommon for barely-trained wannabe grapplers to wrestle on global television.

WWE needed a constant supply of warm bodies for their stars to squash and they often were not properly vetted and their inexperience unquestioned.

That was the case for Chuck Austin, just six months into his training when he somehow convinced WWE officials to let him perform at their television tapings in in Tampa, Florida on December 11, 1990.

Tagging with Lanny ‘The Genius’ Poffo against The Rockers, Chuck was (in theory) in great hands with three experienced pros around him.

However, Austin took Marty Jannetty’s Rocker Dropper finisher incorrectly, spiking himself head-first into the mat.

Paralysed upon impact, Chuck Austin ended up suing WWE parent company Titan Sports and was ultimately awarded $10 million from them and $1.5 million from Jannetty.

Following Chuck’s accident – which has left him wheelchair-bound and living in significant pain – WWE changed their policy and only hired jobbers with a proven track record or significant in-ring experience.

The tag match never aired on television, though clips of it were used in news broadcasts about the incident.

1. Perry Saturn vs. Mike Bell

Mike Bell was a name familiar to those within WWE, having wrestled dozens upon dozens of squash matches for the company from 1992 all the way up until 2003.

In that time, Bell stared at the ceiling for everyone from Bret Hart and Lex Luger to Bob Holly and Mabel.

The most notable match of Mike’s career, however, was with Perry Saturn at the May 7, 2001 Jakked taping.

Big Pez got his bell rung during an early exchange and, according to him, entered ‘fight or flight’ mode and began shooting on his opponent, before forcefully chucking him through the ropes to the floor.

It was an ugly landing for Bell, but it gave Saturn a minute to get his bearings. After the former European Champion got the last of his aggression out by chucking poor Mike into the stairs, they finished the match as planned.

Saturn was reprimanded as soon as he returned through the curtain and was subsequently given the amnesiac gimmick and ‘Moppy’ storyline as punishment.

If there’s one lesson to be taken from this whole, sorry episode, it’s that some dinosaurs ate meat while others ate gravy.