But Christmas shopping will indeed begin sooner rather than later, and you've probably got a few wrestling fans in your life. You know what to get them - T-shirts, DVDs, a gift card worth a few months' subscription to WWE Network etc. But what do you do for the wrestling fan that has *everything*? Well, you dig a little deeper into the realm of wrestling novelties, that's what you do?
Professional wrestling has lived to prove that you can merchandise anything and everything, going beyond the boundaries of absurd to create wares that even a non-discriminating fan would find hard to want in their collection. When you're looking for those perfect gift items for your fellow wrestling fans this holiday season, consider hooking them up with the following oddities, just to make them question their fanhood.
10. WWE Attitude Cologne
It makes sense to market clothing to wrestling fans. The Austin 3:16 shirt means you can be just like Stone Cold. The John Cena trucker's cap means you can be just like Cena. The very idea of being a wrestling star lends itself well to the imagination, as we live vicariously through our heroes on the TV screens. Looking like our idols is one thing. But do we really need to (theoretically) smell like them?
Attitude cologne for men and perfume for women were attempts to find where exactly the line of "too much" was. In that time, wrestling fans would buy *anything* related to the ongoing fad that was the golden age of graps. As the next few items will reveal, "Brut for brutes" wasn't even the strangest idea.
9. WWE Porcelain Baby Dolls
Right about now is probably the best time to tell you that we here at Cultaholic are not responsible for any emotional damage you might incur from looking at these highly-disturbing photos (actually, earlier may have been better). Buying ceramic and porcelain knickknacks for your mother, aunt, or grandmother as Christmas gifts is normal, but this here skeedaddles past normal.
A quick Google Image Search turns up images of Stone Cold, The Rock, Kurt Angle, and Chyna, immortalized by the creepiest, most lifelessly-shuddersome representations of themselves in still-toddler form. The misshapen faces in the "Land of Confusion" video were less horrifying than the monstrosities that were cooked up here. I wouldn't even want to sleep in the same room as one of these things - I'd be less worried about Freddy killing me in my sleep.
8. An Authentic Mr. Socko
Back around the turn of this current millennium, one of my closest friends had actually gotten Mr. Socko for Christmas from his mother. He was a hyooooge Mick Foley fan, so his mother didn't hesitate to raid WWE Shop of all things Mick for her boy. I had to laugh when he showed it to me, and he understood. Because for what she spent $10 (in year 2000 dollars) on, I could've made him in three minutes with stuff I had in my childhood bedroom.
You must question which side of the equation boasts more insanity: WWE for charging between $10-15 for a sock with a Sharpie-drawn face, or people who pay said dollar amount to have the officially-licensed Mr. Socko in their collection. Suppose it *does* take all kinds to move the world.
7. Thumb Wrestlers
"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!" A common phrase heard from many a childhood, as it was a simple game that any two kids could play, as long as they could manipulate their own digits. WWE decided to ramp up the schoolyard fun by licensing rubber thumb-covers moulded after popular WWE stars of the 1980s. And full disclosure, my brother and I had a few of these bad boys.
How did they work? Each figure had a rather pronounced hole where their buttocks would be, so you, erm, stuck your thumb up their ass, and suddenly, you were manually controlling a star from the Rock 'n' Wrestling Era. One has to assume that these are most popular wrestling toys among the PWG locker room.
6. WWE Pizza Prints
Call me an old fogey if you wish, but I'm not sure I get the appeal of pizza prints, regardless of the licensee. When I'm hungry, and I want some pizza, I order one to my flavourful customization and don't need any special design to make it any more desirable. I don't think even as a kid, I'd have been clamouring for an Ultimate Warrior/Mr. Perfect-themed pie.
I suppose there is a novelty to it, imprinting a kid's favourite wrestler onto the cheese via applying the starch and food colouring-based contraption during the baking process. But this list is here to point out bizarre wrestling gift items. A product that allows you to stamp Sheamus' confident mug onto a few greasy slices? Seems bizarre enough to me.
5. WCW Vibrating Action Figures
Technically, these aren't WWE items, but since McMahon owns all of the WCW assets (such as these are), I think they qualify. And c'mon, this list absolutely has to have action figures that vibrate. Say what I did about those New Day joy-givers, but I'm pretty sure they don't vibrate. And it'd be pretty weird if they did ("It's the New Day Migraine Stopper!").
As for the WCW vibrating figures, they did as their name so suggested: they vibrated. Each came with a button on the figure's hip that, when pressed, turned Kevin Nash and Sting, among others, into organic muscle relaxers. Why the world needed wrestling figures that quivered like lost hikers in Siberia is beyond me. Unless they were intentionally creating fodder for top ten lists like this.
4. WWE Maximum Sweat Figures
While those vibrating dealies belong in the realm of, "Why?", at least they were mess-free toys (depending on how they were used, anyway). Someone in WWE got the idea that they needed to make action figures that were not only grotesque, bearing unusually-caricatured forms of popular wrestlers, but also left a little residue all over the plastic ring.
Kids could put a trace amount of water into an opening on the back of the figure, and then cause the figure to "sweat" by pressing a button. While perspiration is a normal part of a gruelling physical activity such as pro wrestling, was any child clamouring for that much authenticity in their toys? To be fair, though, similar technology could find its way into a forthcoming Drake Maverick figure, should Mattel allow it.
3. New Day Unicorn Horns
This one's low-hanging fruit, because they're a pretty well-known item to modern fans, and we all came to the same conclusion - it looks like something else. Something that, with a slight practical modification, could be used in a fashion that doesn't exactly jive with the PG doctrine that WWE adheres to in this day and age.
But that's kind of the fun of the horns, as your friend or sibling (or mother, if you *really* want her to be happy) will have a good laugh at the sight of it when they tear off the wrapping paper on Christmas morning. That's the real meaning of Christmas, anyway - positivity. As in, "I'm positive the person you buy this for will see it as something other than innocent wrestling attire."
2. WWE Talking Soap
Remember the Simpsons episode where Homer begins to admire Thomas Edison and tries to invent unusual things as a way of following in Edison's footsteps? I'm willing to bet that some dude was sitting around one day, eating Cheetos while watching daytime game shows, before springing up out of his chair, crying out "Soap that can talk!" And he knew he had a gamechanger on his hands.
My good friend at WrestleCrap, Mr. Blade Braxton, once put said soap to the test for research purposes and was a little creeped out to hear The Rock's voice echoing about behind his shower curtain. Apparently, the soap is water activated, and the voice (either Rock or Steve Austin) will spout some sort of hygiene-related catchphrases that intertwine with their wrestling personas. Allegedly, the Austin soap tells you to "wash your ass", which should've gotten WWE sued by the estate of Redd Foxx.
1. WWE Condoms
Okay, look - WWE has had a long history of promoting safety. All of their DVDs begin with the disclaimer that the action you see should never be duplicated, as you're watching trained professionals in action. It makes sense that WWE would also promote care and responsible thought in other mediums as well, such as practising safe sex. And what better way to do so than to have your favourite Attitude Era wrestlers take the bumps for you?
It's great that the Stone Cold condom comes equipped with not only useful information on how to actually apply a rubber, but also Stone Cold's vital statistics. Because when you're trying to heat things up, the best thing to think about is a wrestler's height and weight. This is definitely a gift for your wrestling fan friend that you feel 1) could brush up on his grappling knowledge and 2) should never breed.