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Who Is In Our Dream WWE Survivor Series Teams?

"My team would batter your team!"

The month of November for every WWE fan is much like every lunchtime for a 10-year-old in the playground as we claim something mythical would BATTER something else of mythical proportions.

While those whippersnappers claim their Da would batter their pals' Da, among other things like their 'Da's secret girlfriend' is nicer than their pals' actual mother; we spend this month claiming our dream Survivor Series team would beat any and all comers...

Ok. I know you don't do that. Nobody does that. But we're in the content creating game here and this is engaging stuff I know you've been longing for. Getting 200 words out of this when the only message I'm looking to convey is "here's our dream Survivor Series teams m8s" is hard. Let's waffle. I'm 129 words deep now. I know nobody is reading this part because after seeing that alluring title you don't care what I'm saying here. I know you've all skipped this page because you're dying to know if Jack The Jobber picked Steve Blackman, or if Adam Pacitti's weird fascination with Mojo Rawley is still alive. I tell you, I'm almost certain nobody is reading this far, so certain in fact that I'm willing to tell you my darkest secre... WHOOMP there it is. 200 words. Introduction done. Enjoy the rest of the article!

Maffew's Team


WWE, PROGRESS Wrestling


WALTER: Apparently I'm not allowed five WALTERs, so much for this ''dream WWE Survivor Series team'' idea. Impervious to pain and knowledgeable in grap-fu, the only way this giant killing machine is losing the match is if he needs to hibernate for the winter or the government need him to chop an asteroid hurtling towards Earth.

God: Currently 0-1 so he's guaranteed a pin-fall victory (before disappearing for another 2,000 years to wrestle Vince in the rubber match).

Scott Steiner: Oops picked God twice. Despite looking like a pile of basketballs wearing chain-mail, Steiner has the ability to command a team because no-one would be able to understand and therefore unable to argue back. A natural leader for Team Heyahmtalkinglicicktysplitfatassses

Lex Luger 1993: I want the mulleted flag-wearer to get a chance to shine now OSW have brought his career back from ruin like Tarantino casting John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. If the team were losing, he'd be there to rally the troops with chants of ''U-S-A'' (and random shouts of ''OH!!'') and if the team were losing badly then Lex could always run them over with his bus while singing ''I'LL BE YOUR HEROOOOOOOO.''

Hornswoggle: The team's already winning so I'm making like a real promoter and booking my childhood favourites so I can go drinking with him after the show and ask him who's a dick in real life. If Horny is unavailable: Andy Peters.

Jennifer Louise's Team


WWE


Jennifer has been on tour with Inside The Ropes and her new best friend, former WWE Champion Edge this week. Therefore, she just didn't have the time to tell us why she picked the men she picked.

Fans of the This Week In Wrestling series on the Cultaholic YouTube channel should understand though...


Sam 'The Shreditor' Driver's Team


WWE


The Undertaker: He's my favourite wrestler and I think he has really scary eyes. I like scary eyes, they do something to my soul. When he used to roll them into the back of his head my knees would quiver like a young lady in the '60s at the sight of a Beatle - the Scouse singer type rather than the insect variety, of course.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: He's the biggest draw in the history of the wrestling business so should this team lose (which would never happen in a million Mark Henrys) at least there'd be a few people watching and we'd make some sweet cash money. Every cloud...

Bret 'The Hitman' Hart: He's the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. That means he was the best around at the time he last uttered this phrase; he also appears to be the best that had ever done 'the graps' at this point as well. He also claimed that he will be the best to ever do 'the grappletons' so how could I not pick the man that is THE best? He's the best, around. And nothing's gonna ever keep him down.

The Rock: I'd just have Dwayne pay the other team to lose. At the end of the day, he is the solid mineral material who stars in all the big movies these days so I'm sure he could afford it. Simples.

Shawn Michaels: He's just a sexy boy (sexy boy), he's not your boy toy (boy toy), he's just a sexy boy (sexy boy), he's not your boy toy (boy toy). And because he's so sexy, Shawn will be captaining this team of absolute bad boiz.

Jack The Jobber's Team


WWE


Tito Santana: I'm going with Tito as team captain for one simple reason: heels always squabble at Survivor Series. I can't have dissent in my squad, so I've assembled an all-babyface line-up led by one of the purest good guys of all time. He also never lost at Survivor Series (but usually found himself eliminated - a sacrifice I'm willing to make).

Ultimate Warrior: 'Defence Wins Championships' is a popular saying in American sports, but crucially, not pro wrestling. I'm going all-out-attack with this team, so it's time to bring out the big guns - and whose guns are bigger than the Ultimate Warrior's? Unfathomably strong, undefeated at Survivor series, and unwilling to put anyone else over. Perfect.

John Cena: I was originally going to pick Shawn Michales here, but I realised something. HBK typically spends Survivor Series matches battling against the odds, only to come up devastatingly short. I don't want that on my team; I want guys who win matches. You know who wins matches? John Cena.

Kofi Kingston: One word: heart. Every good babyface team needs an unlikely hero, and they don't come more explosive than Mr. Kingston. His one-two elimination of CM Punk and Randy Orton in 2009 was one of the most exciting moments in Survivor Series history.

Steve Blackman: I just really love Steve Blackman, but if pushed to give a more thorough reason, I'll go with the fact that he's always willing to put a shift in. He filled in for The Patriot at Survivor Series '97, and that was his first PPV match ever. Balls of steel.


Ross Tweddell's Team


WWE


Rusev: Rusev is my bae and my spirit animal. He's as pure as the driven snow; so pure, in fact, that he's comparable to Ricky Steamboat with a lavender scented candle shoved up his Cadbury alley. He's just lovely. He also proved during his time with the League Of Nations that he's the heart and soul of any team. While The Lads didn't enjoy much success in the ring, it looked like they were having one hell of a ball with RuRu the centre of all the BANTZ. The sight of LON's RuRu hugging Vince McMahon is the something that'll warm my cockles forever more, and is the type of camaraderie that sees this loveable bear take my captain's armband.

Shane McMahon: He is the best professional wrestler in the world

Kane (1997/98): Before they made Kane all soft and gooey like the inside of your belly button, I was sh*t scared of the man. Here we had a seven-foot monster who could produce lightning from his fingertips in order to set people on fire... My team wouldn't even have to enter the ring to win. We'd all line up behind The Big Red Machine, he'd do his magic and then we'd go down and dance on our crispy opponents like it's 1999.

Simon Dean: Simon Dean is my guilty pleasure when it comes to WWE. When I was younger, I loved his act, a fact that is drowning in irony today as I'm well aware I could do with his patented Simon System. Like Kane, this is another tactical choice as I'd have him poison our opponents in catering before the show had even begun. He knows people who make supplements, all he'd have to do is pay them a little bit more to make those supplements deadly.

Big E: Y'boy is my cup of tea. He has 'dem hips' and he could also rip your head off. Need I say any more? Yes. His Twitter game is the best around and I respect that greatly too! And he's good in teams too, so there's that as well.

Adam Pacitti's Team


WWE, Oli Sandler/Ringside Perspective


Will Ospreay: PACITTI CLUB 4 LYF BAY BEEEEEEE!

Mick Foley: Mick Foley is my favourite wrestler of all time and having him on my team means I could check something off my bucket list. I spent an ungodly amount of money on a custom Mankind mask so having Mick there means I can have my picture taken with him while he wears the actual Mankind mask haha lol. Naturally, Mick would be my captain.

Daniel Bryan: Simply put, he's the best technical wrestler and a wonderful underdog - even if he is an evil bastard today. You could have the rest of this team eliminated and D-Bry would still produce the goods. It doesn't matter what the odds are, he'll bring it home for my team.

Vince McMahon: He's Vince pissing McMahon. He's booking the show. Surely he would book himself to win... No? HE DEFEATED GOD, OF COURSE HE WOULD!

Andre the Giant: Vince McMahon likes really tall men. And as a really tall man myself, I'm all about that. They don't come much taller than Andre, so there's no doubt Vince would have him win. You might be wondering why I didn't pick Giant Gonzalez to fit this role since he was taller than Andre and it's simple: he was awful.

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Ross Tweddell

Written by Ross Tweddell

Editor-in-chief of Cultaholic.com and presenter on the Cultaholic Wrestling YouTube channel. Email: [email protected]