John Cena's Peacemaker Penis & Enzo Amore On The Moon: Ten Things You May Have Missed In Wrestling This Week

Ladies and gentlemen, wrestling is BACK.

The crowds are back. John Cena is back. Goldberg is back. Surprises are back. And CM Punk and Daniel Bryan might be coming back - to the competition, no less.

It's a very exciting time to be a fan, as all companies seem to be doing whatever they can to gain and keep momentum.

Also, is it just me, or are AEW starting to really gain some ground recently? The ratings are strong, the tickets are selling and they could have two potential game-changers debuting within a matter of months.

Interesting days ahead, for sure.

Also, congratulations to Nikki A.S.H. on becoming WWE Women's Champion!

In a previous life (about ten years ago), I worked on a few independent shows with her and and I remember thinking, even back then, that she would go to WWE, reinvent herself with a completely new and different gimmick and cash-in the Money in the Bank briefcase on Ric Flair's daughter to win the belt.

Alright, maybe I didn't think those exact thoughts, but she was lovely and talented and it's always nice to see the genuine good guys succeed, isn't it?

Anyway, with all the major developments of the past seven days, there are bound to be a few things that slipped by. Time to catch up on some nonsense...

10. Big E's Top Five Meaty Men Slapping Meat

WWE.com

Current men's Money in the Bank briefcase holder Big E is famous for a lot of things, chief among them his love of watching big meaty men slapping meat.

On a recent edition of the Getting Over podcast, E gave his top five in the illustrious meaty men category, citing Goldberg chief among them along along with:

"Vader. He was my guy. He's definitely up there. Arguably the greatest big man to ever walk in this industry. 

I loved Ron Simmons as a kid. He was a Heisman finalist as a nose tackle. It's ridiculous. Ron Simmons is on there. 

Scott Steiner. Big Scott Steiner fan. I did my best to replicate the Steiner math promo (in a Cameo). His is untouchable. I tried. 

Big Show doesn't get enough credit. I was convinced he was Andre's son when watching WCW. See young Big Show (The Giant), the missile dropkicks and the way he moved, doing kip ups. He doesn't get enough credit for being one of the greatest big men of all time. In that top tier. If you said he was the greatest big man of all time, I would have no problem with that, just seeing the stuff he's done. I remember him and Christian had incredible house show matches. He can do the comedy stuff and the monster stuff".

WCW really was 'where the big boys play', wasn't it?

9. Kevin Nash Explains The Allure Of Working For TNA

TNA/Impact Wrestling

Kevin Nash was a guest on Steve Austin's Broken Skull Session this week.

Naturally, watching Big Sexy and Stone Cold reminisce about old times while indulging in some alcoholic beverages is automatically recommended viewing and you should definitely go out of your way to watch it on the Network (if you haven't already).

One of the highlights was the former Diesel talking about his run in TNA.

Nash worked for TNA off and on between 2004 and his WWE comeback in 2011. For him, putting pen to paper with Dixie Carter's company was a no-brainer.

As well as having a loaded and talented roster to work with and wanting to wrestle with his hair gray (because of Sam Elliott's character in Road House), the appeal for Nash was how easy and comfortable it all was, explaining:

"I'm driving 71 miles from my garage to Universal Studios. Walking in at 5:30. Doing a six-man tag. Going over to the [Hilton] DoubleTree, having two medium rare burgers, a salad, a bowl of Franciscan. And getting paid 15K".

Best worker in the biz, right there.

8. You Can't Unsee It

WWE.com

John Cena is back after a lengthy absence and is heading for a Universal Title showdown with Roman Reigns at SummerSlam.

That was the big Cena news in wrestling circles, but Hollywood is talking about something else.

You see, folks, Tinseltown currently cannot get enough of John Cena's penis.

During a recent online press conference for the upcoming Suicide Squad film, Cena's fellow cast members couldn't stop talking about his member, according to Tweets from many who were present on the call, including the film's director James Gunn.

They call him 'BIG Match John' for a reason, you know.

7. RVD Sets The Record Straight

WWE.com

WWE superstar Jimmy Uso getting another DUI and avoiding punishment (he was actually made a Tag Team Champion at Money in the Bank) had some fans pointing out the hypocrisy of Rob Van Dam getting suspended, fined and being booked to drop the WWE and ECW Titles when he was pulled over and arrested back in the summer of 2006.

When one Twitter user claimed that the Whole F'N Show was reprimanded in that fashion for 'driving under the influence', Van Dam was quick to set the record straight, replying:

'False. RVD was not driving under the influence. RVD had a bag of weed in the car. And RVD was speeding'.

Don't drink and drive, kids. Smoke and fly.

6. The Origins Of Otis & Mandy

WWE.com

Like many a memorable wrestling storyline, the on-screen romance between Otis and Mandy Rose was supposedly the result of a rib that took on a life of its own.

Otis' former tag partner Tucker revealed as much when he spoke to the Wrestling Inc. Daily:

"He just did it on social media. He's the man.

It was just a joke to mess with Mandy's boyfriend at the time, Tino Sabatelli. I mean, not just to mess with him, but it's like, 'Hey, do you think if I do this thing on social media where I just ask Mandy to be my girlfriend all the time, that would be super cringy?'. And I'm like, 'No, dude, that'd be pretty funny, I think'. 

He just started doing it and talked to her, and she was like, 'Oh, I like it. People are into it. Keep doing it. It's funny', and so anytime she posts a pic, he just takes that picture and was like, 'Oh, Doz's future girlfriend' and posts it right. It just started getting over and became a WrestleMania match. Take your shot, baby".

5. The Captain Gets His C*ck Out For Kayfabe

WWE.com

Back in the day, there were few things wrestlers took as seriously as protecting kayfabe (maybe just pipped by their drug regimen).

WWE Hall of Famer Captain Lou Albano was as old-school as they came and, according to Larry Zybyszko in an interview with POST Wrestling, did not take too kindly to some New York restaurant patrons denigrating the good name of pro wrestling.

He was pissin' angry, he was, as the Living Legend explained:

"Albano was kind of crazy in a loveable way for us but, I mean, we were in a restaurant one time where me and [Tony] Garea are at one table eating and a couple tables away was Captain Lou and [Tony] Altomare eating and it's a nice restaurant in New York, and all of a sudden, you see Altomare saying something to Lou and pointing to people at the table next to them, saying stuff like, 'Hey, I think those people are knocking you Lou and saying wrestling's not real and all that crap'. Albano now is getting — you could see him. Me and Tony are looking at each other going, 'Oh God, oh no'.

Sure enough, so Albano gets up, walks over to the other table with the guy, zips down his pants and pees on him in the restaurant. I mean that's the kind of stuff that no one else would ever even think of doing that the Captain Albano would do and somehow get away with it. They would politely ask him to leave, you know, the guy's getting peed on in the restaurant and oh my God, me and Garea are just shaking our heads. He was a character".

I'm not exactly sure how that proves wrestling is real, but I bet Albano felt very relieved to have made his point after.

4. Another Day In The Life Of Party Marty Jannetty

WWE.com

Speaking of people who almost certainly must have pissed on a member of the public before, another Marty Jannetty story made the rounds this week, courtesy of his former New Rockers tag partner Al 'Leif Cassidy' Snow.

The Snowman was speaking with Sportskeeda when he relayed the tale of how Marty wrecked a policeman's motorcycle on a tour of India:

"In India, I don't know how he does it. This beautiful hotel has got this big fountain at the center of it. He's just walking outside, and he sees a cop sitting on his motorcycle in front of the hotel. He walks up and talks the cop into letting him take his motorcycle for a ride. He goes and rides up and down the street, and then, for whatever reason, spots the stairs to the hotel lobby. Proceeds to ride the motorcycle up the stairs.

Bam Bam Bigelow I think it was, held the door open for him. He rides through the front door, and takes a lap around the lobby, wrecks the motorcycle into the big fountain, takes a bump into the fountain, gets up, has to pull the fender away from the front wheel where he wrecked it. Rides it back out the hotel, back down the stairs, gives it back to the cop".

Another classic Jannetty rib as told by Snow was how he would take amino acid tablets in order to give him bad flatulence, which he would then unleash during a booking meeting:

"So, he had been keeping those in his garage in Orlando, Florida. You know how hot and humid it is down there. So he is eating purposely, keep in mind, eating purposely, the amino acid tablets, because they gave him horrible gas, so he could fart on the plane. And then one time we were in San Antonio at the Alamodome. And there was this little office, a room, where all the agents were there for an agent meeting so they could go over the finishes and stuff like that.

So, Marty looks at me and says, "Hey, just stay in here and watch!". He has this big smile on his face, he walks in and I'm like, "What the hell's he doing?". And all of a sudden he comes walking back out and goes, "Just stay right here, just tell me what happens". All of a sudden, Pat Patterson, Jack Lanza, they all come piling out of the room, going "My God!". 

Marty went in there and farted and walked back out and the whole room came running out like the whole building was on fire".

That Marty Jannetty - is there anything he can't do?

3. Won't Somebody PLEASE Think Of The Children?!?

WWE.com

The United Kingdom has a history of getting caught up in moral panics, from the furore over the corrupting influence of the so-called Video Nasties to the demonisation of asylum seekers.

A British mother might be attempting to start one of the silliest yet, as she has taken umbrage with one of WWE's new toy playsets.

According to her, the Wrekkin Slambulance Vehicle is bound to incite violence against the country's emergency services.

Speaking with LADBible, Sabrina Fitzsimmons, of Bournemouth, said:

"This toy is massively inappropriate. I wouldn't purchase that for my child and I certainly wouldn't get behind advertising it, I just think you’re crossing a line of ethics and morals. 

Toys are supposed to teach our children, not only be fun. When I saw it I just thought 'what a time to be advertising a toy like this to children'. These people in the healthcare sector saved our lives. To advocate for a toy that perpetuates the message of violence towards the vehicles and the people that help us, I just think 'what kind of message are you sending to children here? How is that ok?'.

WWE has a huge following from little ones right up to adults, including my 13-year-old son, I think it's just such the wrong message. I wasn't trying to be a 'Karen' but I just found it really offensive given the pressure I know the services have been under and the sacrifices that they've made. I could see that the advert really upset my partner".

Karen's - sorry, Sabrina's - partner is an NHS healthcare assistant.

Fitzsimmons complained to retail outlet Smyths, who stocks and sells WWE figures, but was not pleased with the response she got:

"It was 'sorry it offended you'. 

I think they completely missed the message. It won't just have offended me, it offended my partner who goes to work everyday to help other people in the emergency services. A lot of her friends work there, she’s witnessed and been party to having violence against her and her friends and her colleagues like I myself have in retail. We're trying to curb that and get that message across that it's not acceptable and they're perpetuating a toy that is telling kids that it is at a very young and impressionable age. I think it's so wrong".

I'm just not even sure I can find the words anymore.

2. Rick Rubin Talks Rasslin'

WWE.com

Legendary music producer Rick Rubin (Johnny Cash, Tom Petty, Public Enemy etc.) is one of the more famous wrestling fans out there and can often be seen sitting front row at major shows, particularly those in the Los Angeles area.

Rubin - who was also the financial backer of Smoky Mountain Wrestling in the early 90's - was a guest on the WTF with Marc Maron podcast this week and discussed his love of the grap game:

"I absolutely love it. I watch more than eight hours every week. There's a tremendous amount of pro wrestling on TV. It's a really beautiful, fine art form. It's storytelling taken to the next level. It's beautiful. It's American Opera.

It's definitely DIY crazy. The stories they tell are reckless in a way that you don't get to see in the mainstream. There'd be violence towards people in a completely inappropriate way on a regular basis, but it makes sense because you're setting up bad guys and good guys, so the bad guy has to do something really despicable to be a bad guy, so they do some things that are really despicable. 

It's like this hyperreal/not real. It's like that line, and the fact that they work reality into it — if a guy gets hurt, that becomes part of the storyline but then sometimes, they say a guy gets hurt and he didn't get hurt, it's only in the storyline. Sometimes one of the characters gets divorced and then, he might be getting a divorce but maybe it’s just a story, and you never know! It's like this parallel reality always going on and it never ends. It goes on forever. Its amazing.

I would say it's closer [than a reflection of life]. It is more honest. If the most honest form of information in our society. Pro wrestling is the most accurate representation of life, dude".

He's right, you know.

I mean, I definitely remember watching WWE in the Attitude Era, as Satanic cults wreaked havoc and funerals were gatecrashed by evil policemen, and I thought 'this is just like watching my life on screen'.

1. Enzo Amore Wants To Wrestle Finn Balor On The Moon

WWE.com

I mean, the title is exactly what it says it is, you know?

After watching Jeff 'Divorced Dad' Bezos and his crew go for a jaunt in space, former WWE star Enzo Amore backed himself to one day wrestle on the moon.

Inspire by Wally Funk, the 82-year-old who was aboard the Blue Origin spacecraft, and septuagenarian weekend warrior Jerry Lawler, Ezno has made it his mission to have a match with pal Finn Balor on the celestial body, even if it takes him another forty or so years, tweeting:

'Today, an earth woman at 83 years old became the oldest person to ever enter outer space. If Jerry ”The King” Lawler is still at it & wrestling into his 70’s. You can bet your ass, one day, I’ll wrestle on the moon. #BadaBoom #RealestGuy On the Moon...Opponent: @FinnBalor'

While a match on the moon between Enzo and Balor might be technically decent, I can't imagine it'll have much atmosphere.

Sorry...