What Dog Breed Is WWE Universal Champion Roman Reigns?

This is arguably the most important article/public service announcement/slice of crucial investigative journalism I've conducted since I found out what animal Batista actually is.

Soon after the birth of Cultaholic, I realised that Michael Cole would just scream "IT'S THE BIG DOG" at the top of his lungs every single time Roman Reigns would appear at the top of a WWE ramp. No matter if it was Roman's entrance for a big title match, his entrance for a long promo at the start of Raw, or if he just appeared for a run-in or something, Cole would scream, and I would wonder why.

Is he quite literally a puppet with a pull-string in his back like Woody? Maybe...

Anyway, Cole's penchant for screaming things isn't what this article is about, it's about Roman Reigns' completely organic nickname. I'm not exactly sure when it started, I guess it was around the time he started to claim every WWE ring is his yard, or that he isn't a bad guy, or a good guy, he's the guy - I don't know. What we do know at this stage, however, is what the term Big Dog means in wider society. To get the best definition of Big Dog, I naturally headed for Urban Dictionary:

• The baddest motherf****r in any group of Gs or Hustlas. The Big Dog is the shot caller and will whoop the ass of anyone present who does not fall in line.


• One at the top of his game. Be it Business Man, Doctor, Drug Dealer, Pimp etc.


• A descriptive term for an important person. Term to describe an extremely large and unnecessary vehicle, such as a Ford Expedition.

I'm sure you will agree that all three definitely apply to Roman Reigns, especially the second part talking about the pimps and whatnot.

Anyway, none of those definitions translates over to WWE because, as we all know by now, everything said on TV must be taken literally - especially when it comes to nicknames. Baron Corbin was an actual Lone Wolf before he went to Police Academy, Shinsuke Nakamura is in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame thanks to his prowess with guitar in hand, The Undertaker is an actual Phenom with red bogies, and Roman Reigns is a really significant canine. That's all we know about Roman, however, and I feel it's important that we learn more.

To keep things simple here, I'm going to list a number of characteristics that make Roman Reigns a Big Dog, and then from there, I will finally answer the question as to what Big Dog Roman Reigns actually is...

13. Does He Play Well With Others?

This is an ability all dogs must have up their proverbial sleeve, otherwise, they'll have been bad boys and they'll have to spend some time looking at a wall in the naughty corner or something.

Roman's a bit weird when it comes to playing with those around him. In his younger days, he would hunt in a pack with friends he would consider to be as close as brothers. However, it's clear he was doing something wrong behind closed doors because one of his pals smashed him in the back with a chair and turned on him. The RSPCA were called, it was all a bit messy.

Instead of staying close with the other brother in the situation, Roman and Dean went their separate ways - which I always found a bit strange, to be honest.

However, after the longest time fighting his own battles all on his lonesome, Roman has reunited with his friends and appears to be having a jolly good time.

Conclusion: Roman has shown the ability to go alone and not play well with others, while also displaying the kind of traits that make it look like he would fail to exist without his two closest pals by his side. Make of this what you will, but I'm going to say a resounding YES, he does play well with others - as long as he likes them.

12. Easy To Train?

Roman Reigns does not deal well with authoritative figures whatsoever. No. Not ever. Never. If Stone Cold Steve Austin - a living human - was a dog, he'd be Roman Reigns because when it comes to a relationship with those in power, The Big Dog has shown similar tendencies to the man who gave Vince McMahon nightmares for around two years straight in the late 1990s.

Just look at the image above and the measures those ranking above Reigns have had to resort to, to... rein... him in (that doesn't really work without the 'G', does it?). There's Vince McMahon kicking a dog right in the dog's bollocks live on international television a few years ago. Once more, the RSPCA were called after this slice of animal abuse and it was all a bit messy.

You tell Roman what to do, whether it be to sit, give a paw, speak, or stop going after the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and he will lash out like the bad Big Dog he is. He also pouts too, which sounds quite endearing for a dog but I think it just makes him look like a knobhead.

Conclusion: You're going to need some professional help with this one. Then that professional is going to need help from a higher ranking, more experienced professional, and so on, and so on. Roman can't be trained - unless it's in the arts of professional wrestling, which he already knows. There's no hope. Your house is going to be constantly wet and full of dog crap - Roman will end up owning YOU he's just that untrainable!

11. Do You Need To Be Active To Own Him?

Roman is a flying dog.

It's rather surprising that Roman Reigns and his friends aren't working in the fields of England pulling something really heavy for farmers and whatnot since they like to refer to each other as workhorses. Although, seeing a dog doing a horses job would be a bit weird, wouldn't it?

Roman has bags of energy and likes to let everyone know about it. He's always barking on about how he works harder than some of his compadres, and even goes as far as lambasting those lazier than him for being so.

He's a bit of a show off really.

Roman's a brute of a specimen with muscles aplenty and a great drive to be the best dog he can be. If you are looking to own a dog like Roman, you're going to have a 'thing' on your hands that needs plenty of walks and lots of things to jump over - which is going to be an absolute nightmare for you, because as we've discussed in the previous point, when you call to get him back on his leash, he's going to pout and then bite you. I'm sorry, this is just a thing you're going to have to accept because he's not the... you know how it goes by now.

Conclusion: Yes. Buy one of those extendable dog leads and train yourself to an Olympic level and you should be just fine (not fine at all as you are continuously pulled over by a real athletic Big Dog).

10. Great With Kids?

Roman is great with kids and even has at least one of his own. He's the best with kids. You won't find anyone who is better with kids than Roman Reigns. You think of any other dog in the entire world and they aren't as good with kids as Roman is. Roman is the best. Roman number one.

What's more is the fact that Roman is loved by the kids twice as much as he loves them WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE. He's the hero and role model they need to make sure they get the most out of life, living with honour, integrity, and great looking hair.

This is WWE speaking if you couldn't tell...

But more importantly, if you're a single man looking for a conversational piece with a lady down at the park, Roman is the ideal dog to own because the mothers love him twice as much as the kids do, apparently. That's what the internet tells me: "Roman only appeals to kids and their mothers," they say.

Conclusion: Yes. Don't be afraid if you are in a family with small kids, Roman is the ideal family pet - no matter the age of anyone he's living with. Don't have guests over when he's in though because if you're not really related to him in some form, he will pout and then lash out.

9. Where Can He Live?

There's Roman getting his car out of the garage... yes, he's a dog that can drive.

But the answer to the question above is ANYWHERE! And what's more, he's great on bonfire night, New Year's, and other fireworkcentric occasions. While the bangs and loud noises have been relegated to only one night of the year in recent times in The Big Dog's working life, Roman grew up with loud bangs happening when he simply walked into a room on occasion and he wouldn't flinch at all. Sometimes, he would raise his paws or point one at a giant sign hanging from the rafters and fireworks would go off in sync with his movements - still, no flinching whatsoever. What a good boy, eh?

Roman lives in a mansion, but being a part of the travelling circus that is WWE means he's used to spending time in smaller settings like hotel rooms or proper dog houses when he's staying at Vince's (presumably). He adapts, and then he conquers, because's he's not a good dog, he's not a bad dog, he's just a dog who doesn't mind where he's living as long as there's a roof over his head.

Conclusion: Silly question. Just make sure he isn't living with Braun Strowman or Brock Lesnar. That would be a nightmare.

8. Shedding?

Probably. How can't he shed with all of that hair on the top of his head? I'm not too sure what else to add here, just look at all of that hair!

Conclusion: While his hair is strong and vibrant - because he's worth it - if you like eating soup or something without long dark hairs in it, Roman probably isn't the Big Dog for you. I don't think he's as bad as a husky in his category, but he's got to be close. The hair... so much!

7. He's A Big Drooler, You Know

Here's what Roman Reigns looks like after you give him a jam jar to finish off. He's a messy pup, alright.

As we are all well aware by now, Roman is one of the best show dogs in the entire world at the minute - but that doesn't mean he's one of the most sanitary. Towards the end of one of his typical performances, he sweats profusely. When he throws his head back to give us an "OOOOOOAHHHH" -  a sign of dominance that has his fanciers weak at the knees, I should add - a catalogue of bodily fluids fly in every direction imaginable. Dog people will know this more commonly as drooling, or maybe even slobbering (maybe - I'm not Sir David Attenborough).

Conclusion: Roman will make an ungodly mess around your house. No matter if it's something he's eating, or fluids leaking from his body. If this kind of thing bothers you, he's not the Big Dog for you.

6. Easy To Groom?

A tanning bed, tattoo parlour, plenty of red meat and hair conditioner and we're sorted, I guess. That seems pretty simple to me...

Although, when he's showing signs of going a little bit naughtier than normal, Roman The Big Bad Dog does tend to grow a full beard (above). And as owners of Airedale Terriers and the like will know, they're a bit harder to keep looking refined. I guess you've just got to keep him in line (easier said than done as we're already discussed) and he won't get to that stage, keeping that smart looking thing he has in most of the other pictures in this public service announcement/slice of crucial investigative journalism.

Conclusion: Provide the things listed above and you're sorted - although, you will obviously need deep pockets to do so. Roman is a princess and only accepts the best, obviously.

5. Genetic Health Issues?

Dilated cardiomyopathy? Heart musculature? Don't be silly! Roman is from the strongest family tree in the history of family trees didn't you know?

Yes, he suffers knocks when he's battling against big bloody monsters and the like, but if you're worried about something unavoidable coming his way, don't be. Any injuries in later life will be as a result of pulling the good ship WWE into a whole new world of possibilities. Don't worry about arthritis or anything like that, you don't become the guy if Vince McMahon is concerned about arthritis - stuff like that will be viewed as a sign of weakness like sneezing or catching a cold.

Conclusion: He's in fantastic physical condition, rarely spends any time down at the vets dealing with knocks, and has a really hard head which comes in handy because dogs sometimes run into things - this is because he's Samoan and WWE like to let us know that Samoans have harder heads than the rest of us.

4. Do You Need To Be An Experienced Dog Owner?

Yes. Yes you do. Just read everything we've already discussed during the course of this public service announcement/slice of crucial investigative journalism and tell me it'll be alright if you've never owned a dog before. Roman will essentially become your fifth limb should you want to take him on board.

On top of all the things you need to do and buy to keep this Big Dog in line, the overriding issue with him isn't something you can see coming. Sometimes he'll just appear and be a bit of a d*ck out of nowhere even though he's supposed to be the purest thing we've seen since Snow White. Honestly, we need several dog whisperers to hypnotise Roman before you should even consider taking on a challenge like this breed.

Conclusion: You're mental for even reading this far into this public service announcement/slice of crucial investigative journalism.

3. Is He A Noisy Dog? Will Your Neighbours Be Annoyed By Him?

As time has gone on he's become louder. He couldn't cut a promo... I mean bark to save his life in the early days. Now, you can't stop this big dog from yapping about himself. He's so vain, and he probably thinks this song is about him he's that bad.

If we're looking at what type of bark to expect from this breed of dog, it's not one of those yappy things you hear going on and on for a string of 50 barks in a row while their owners sit inside watching Eastenders pretending not to hear it. This is a Big Dog, so his voice is deep, slow, methodical, SEXY. And my goodness does his voice travel, sometimes he doesn't even need to say anything to have an entire room of people wanting his head and being thoroughly annoyed by his presence.

Conclusion: It's a loud, deep bark, so probably. And heck, he doesn't even have to make a noise to get in your neighbour's bad books. It's a no win situation here, people.

2. Can He Tolerate Being Alone?

This is the deal breaker for a lot of potential dog owners, but I need to let you all know that Roman is completely suited to spending long periods of time cooked up in a room all on his lonesome. Some would even say it's part of his job description.

Roman is a dog that can cook, clean, do his taxes, and piss in an actual toilet - it's a wonder a video of him doing so hasn't gone viral already as it seems to for every other dog who proved they can over the past decade or so.

Conclusion: Roman can deal with you being out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He could even get by on his own if you were to go on holiday, I'm sure of it. He's a very clever boy.

1. Is Big.

Roman Reigns is a Big Dog. If you don't like Big Dogs and are maybe even afraid of them, Roman Reigns is not for you. Roman Reigns is such a Big Dog in fact that he sends a middle-aged man into some form of weird orgasmic/euphoric state each and every time he walks into a room. I don't know how he does that, mind, but it happens. He's really big.

Conclusion: Roman is not a little dog. He's The Big Dog.

Conclusion:

So then, we are looking for a dog that plays well with others as long as he likes them, doesn't react too well to authority, needs an athletic owner to accommodate his active lifestyle, is the best with kids, can live anywhere, probably sheds, drools, is expensive to groom, has strong genetics, needs an experienced owner, is noisy and will probably annoy your neighbours even if he doesn't make a noise, can deal with being left alone for long periods and is really, really big.

Although most of this breed are considered gentle giants, the more confident the dog, the further they drift away from that moniker. They're protective of family. They're suspicious of strangers. They need experienced owners who command respect without resorting to physicality or verbal abuse. They're big. They've got the same hair colour: Roman Reigns is a Neapolitan Mastiff.

Thank you for your time.