WWE: The Official Cookbook is available to pre-order now and I suggest you do if a couple of the recipes are anything to go by. As a fan of a good pun here and there, I simply cannot put into words the joy that filled my heart when I saw that you can make a BA-QUICHE-TA and D-GENERATION EGGS. Wow, oh wow, oh wow.
Of course, those two recipes are included in the official cookbook because that was the signature dishes of the Superstars in question. Dave Batista was known for rustling up a mean quiche in his hotel room before seeing it off before a big match, while Shawn Michaels especially was said to love eggs - particularly in the 1990s where he would eat them Sunny Side Up. If you get that reference, I'm sorry.
So then, what else can we expect to see in the official cookbook? I really hope it's one of the following 10 signature dishes made by 10 current WWE Superstars...
10. The Dolph Piggler
This is the entry I'm most proud of: Dolph Pigglers. This is the best thing I'll ever come up with in my content creating career and I'm completely fine with it all being downhill from here.
Sources behind the scenes tell me that Dolph Ziggler's theme isn't about how perfect The Showoff is, it's about the pride he has for his signature pigs in blankets. Look at the lyrics and it all makes sense:
I'm here to show the world
I'm here to show the world
Do what I say (Better watch what I cook)
Better heed the warning I'm here to serve you
If you ever doubted me, you don't have fully functioning tastebuds
I'm here to cook me pigs
I'm here to cook me pigs
9. Shane O'Mac 'N' Cheese
Can you remember the best mac 'n' cheese you've ever had? Well, forget about it now because Shane McMahon's is the best in the world. No question about it.
The key to this recipe - which simply must be included in WWE: The Official Cookbook because it's the best recipe in the world made by the man who is OFFICIALLY The Best In The World at everything he does - is down to its secret ingredient: sweat.
But of course, it's not just any sweat that will be sending your taste buds from Coast to Coast, it's the best sweat... ah, you get the picture by now. I'm still not over it, you know.
8. Wok With Elias
And there he sits most Monday nights claiming everyone knows what 'WWE' really stands for... I don't think they do now, you utter WOK MACHINE (can I get a petition started to have Elias' new theme WOK MACHINE to be made to the tune of War Machine, please?).
It doesn't matter what you want from Elias, he will be able to produce it using a wok. Some say he can even produce ice cream in one of those things, although at the time of writing those reports are unconfirmed.
When you think about it, a wok kind of looks like a guitar, only it doesn't have any strings, or frets, or most other things a guitar has. Turn both a guitar and a wok on their sides though, and you have the same basic shape provided you're using a wok with a handle...
7. Adam Cole-Slaw BAYBAY
Bobby Fish is the green cabbage because he's trimmed and shredded.
Kyle O'Reilly is the carrot because he's slightly ginger and the best - we all know carrots just want to have fun, don't we? The little tinkers!
Roddy Strong is the mayonnaise because he's smooth as silk and probably the most powerful ingredient of the Undisputed Era ensemble... I'm clutching at way too many straws here, aren't I?
And finally, we're calling it Adam Cole-Slaw BAYBAY because despite the other three doing most of the work, we all know that Cole's name needs to be on the marquee to sell any tickets. That's really harsh on Messrs Fish, Strong and O'Reilly, I know, but I just didn't know what else to say. Could you really link Adam Cole to the minced red onion? Celery seeds? I backed myself into a corner while writing this entry and for that I'm sorry.
6. Brock Lesnar's Soup-lex City
Brock Lesnar doesn't know what soup is because it isn't medium-well done meat. That being said, Brock Lesnar doesn't even know how to eat meat properly, so it's a wonder that he's even being put forward for a spot in this cookbook at all.
Seriously, who has their steak medium-well?! Ruined I tell you. RUINED!
But for this trip to Soup-lex City, of course, were drinking (eating? What do you do with soup?) a lovely concoction of water and ground meat, which Brock has mushed with his bare hands because that's what he does on the farm with Sable. The Beast goes out into the fields, picks a cow up with his bare hands, gives it an F5 and then puts it on the kitchen counter for Sable to deal with. (I'm not the only one who imagines Brock's home-life to be like that, am I?)
5. Sasha Franks
How on earth do you link WWE Superstar Sasha Banks and a seasoned smoked sausage made of beef and pork outside of franks sounding like Banks... seriously!? How on earth do you link WWE Superstar Sasha Banks and a seasoned smoked sausage made of beef and pork?!
I have absolutely no idea, so in this time of desperation and need, I'm just going to resort to what Michael Cole does every single time The Boss walks into a room.
"IT'S BOSS TIME," he says. Therefore I am doing it too.
4. UnderTater Tots
It must be noted that 'Taker's Rest In Peas Soup and his signature Toad In The Hole For Every Soul - the most strenuous link to 'diggin' 29 holes for 29 souls' you're ever likely to see, by the way - are also part of his illustrious repertoire.
However, I'm picking his UnderTater Tots to be showcased in the official WWE Cookbook because they have the most ties with WWE... honest. I'm sure people used to refer to Sheamus' testicles as such a few years ago or something...
3. The Big Dog's Big Dog
This isn't some kind of kinky innuendo, everyone, please settle down.
When Roman has Seth Rollins round for tea and a sleepover, he cooks The Architect his signature Big Dog and that makes Seth Rollins laugh: "Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah," Seth says, when he's served with a succulent sausage in a lovely bouncy bun.
Of course, like most of the recipes in this list, it's the secret ingredient that sets Roman's Big Dog apart from the rest. And you've guessed what that secret ingredient is, haven't you? It's hair conditioner - the flavoured sort you get from Avon so it tastes lovely apparently.
2. Randy Or-eo (Or RKOreo, Whatever Tickles Your Fancy)
When I see an Oreo, I'm pretty randy. When Randy Orton makes his signature Randy Or-eo/RKOreos, he's pretty Randy too. I just hope that in the official WWE Cookbook - which comes out next year of course - we get to find out what makes Randy Orton's signature dish Randy Orton's signature dish because at the time of writing I just don't know.
Given that Randy is known in some circles as The Viper, you could only imagine he's like one of those street chefs in the Far East who takes a poisonous animal, chops it up, downs the heart with a shot of something spicy, before using its intestine or something to give whatever they're making an unforgettable taste OUTTA NOWHERE!
I'm not saying that Randy Orton makes his signature Oreos using a snake's intestine... or am I? I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore to be honest with you because this article has been a mess.
1. Brie Bella
Well, duh... she's a cheese - a literal human cheese called Brie.
I do hear the taste of Brie Bella's Brie Bella has quite a... kick, though... I'm joking everybody. MISTAKES HAPPEN IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING as well as in cheese.
I'm sorry for wasting your time with this article, and I look forward to doing it again very soon indeed.