- Braun Strowman is a man who was crushed to death in the back of a garbage truck.
- Braun Strowman, despite being crushed to death, is a man who lived in said garbage truck for seven days.
- Braun Strowman, despite being crushed to death and living with some garbage for seven days, is a man who managed to get the truck that he and the garbage lived inside to drive to the arena where a subsequent episode of Raw was going down and have it pull up at the right time so he could get out and scare The Miz without even so much as a scratch on him despite the fact he'd been CRUSHED TO DEATH!
It seems the rules of life don't really apply to Braun Strowman - a worrying trend that has continued throughout his main roster career to date.
Granted, as well as the scenario outlined above, the likes of Roman Reigns and a whole host of other Superstars have tried to murder Braun Strowman down the years in WWE, and I think some of you will believe that turnabout is fair play and this article is a load of nonsense. You monsters.
I'm not trying to get Braun arrested here or anything. Now that he's a bonafide heel on Monday Night Raw - inexplicably so, I should add - I feel it's my duty to report what a menace this guy is to not only every single Superstar in WWE, but society as a whole. Here are 10 times The Monster Among Men almost turned himself into a Murderer Among Men...
10. Squashing A Beast
We're starting out with something relatively meek here, people.
Announce tables are really, really heavy. You don't see too many Superstars picking them up and plonking them down on their opponents. Braun Strowman did, though, in a moment that had many people believe Brock Lesnar was on his way to losing the Universal Championship at SummerSlam 2017.
Braun developed a fetish for putting Lesnar through announce tables via his trademark Powerslam throughout 2017, but this moment is one that could have legitimately killed The Beast. I've heard that coconuts falling from trees kills many people every year, so an announce table falling on Brock's head would have been an instant write-off, surely?
Brock got lucky Braun's aim was off, I guess.
9. Kevin Owens I
I still can't believe Braun did all of this to Kevin Owens. I still don't know what KO did to deserve all this?!
How would you have liked KO to die here, Braun? Cracking his head off the floor as he tumbled off the stage without knowing where he was going to land? Drowning in the blue stuff that Liv Morgan uses to turn her tongue blue? Pass out from the smell of POO?! (Nah, that last one's too far-fetched even for pro wrestling.)
At the end of the day, there are a number of ways somebody can die while being pushed off the Raw stage trapped inside of a portable toilet. Kevin Owens, in hindsight, is a very lucky boy.
8. Kevin Owens II
"Oh but Ross, he landed on an airbag placed under the table. That would have been like flopping down onto a bed covered in the finest Egyptian cotton."
Rubbish, I say, if that is indeed your opinion. Watch these moments back to see how quickly the likes of KO, and Shane McMahon before him, crash through the announce tables even though there's something there to supposedly cushion their fall. The difference between that and an ungimmicked table is slimmer than Colin Delaney.
And anyway, we're not supposed to know the airbags are there - so saying they improve things is irrelevant in the realms of kayfabe.
Twenty years after The Undertaker tried to murder Mankind - the wrestler, not humanity as a whole - via similar means in the same city, Braun threw the undoubtedly tender body of Kevin Owens off a really high cage to the floor below. If Braun wasn't intending to kill Big Kev here, then Shane McMahon ISN'T the best professional wrestler in the world ever. Which is fanciful thinking quite frankly. Because we all know he's the bomb dot com.
7. Kevin Owens III
See intentions from the previous point in this article, copy, and paste here.
This time we go to Money in the Bank and the men's ladder match, which included yet another murder attempt from Braun Strowman. This time, he sent Kevin Owens flying from the top of a ladder, through a conveniently-placed table and to the hard arena floor below.
'Bah Gawd, he's broken in half!'
Spare a thought for KO's rental car at this time, for it was also brutally murdered at the hands of Braun Strowman for no real reason whatsoever during an episode of Raw not too far removed from this series of unfortunate events.
6. Trashing Some Trash
I think Kalisto is trash. Yes, he's good at the flips but there's just nothing else to Mr. Lucha... Things... Inaudible Noise... Run Away In A Panic - to give him his full title.
Because I think he's trash, I suppose it's only right that he should be placed in a dumpster, right? Yeah, just as long as a massive, sweaty, monster doesn't come along to push that dumpster off the Raw stage.
Already in this list, we've seen Braun Strowman take inspiration from Attitude Era Undertaker in his efforts to murder Kevin Owens at Extreme Rules, and here he's taking more inspiration from wrestling's second big boom - this time from the New Age Outlaws.
Road Dogg and Billy Gunn sent Chainsaw Charlie and Cactus Jack off a much higher Raw stage back in the day, but Braun's toppling of the human dumpster fire known as Kalisto is still just as devastating.
I grew up next door to a man who died by slipping on his front doorstep and banging his head on the floor (really), so don't tell me the Raw stage isn't high enough to cause some serious damage to a person who is being thrown off there in a steel box.
If ever a picture spoke a thousand words, it's this one. Not too many people within WWE seemed to know what this instrument was, which is probably why Braun Strowman was allowed to use it as a weapon on poor old Elias' back.
I remember picking up a double bass (I think that's a double bass, I'm doubting myself now. Damn you Raw commentary team!) during my school days and I recall it being just as heavy as a small cow - yes, I picked up cows on a regular basis in my youth (?) and I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a small - albeit hollow - cow smashed across your back like that.
Internal bleeding, damaged organs - I can't imagine what this monster had in mind when he decided to SMASH A DOUBLE BASS on his colleague's back.
4. Jobbers Everywhere
Braun Strowman made his name on WWE Raw following the 2016 brand extension by having a series of matches where he would eat jobbers. Literally. James Ellsworth aside, I don't think any of the people Braun faced in those matches lived to tell the tale.
Outside of those matches, there are four examples I can think of off the top of my head where Braun Strowman tried to murder a jobber. And sadly, for those involved and their families, those attempts centred around two Superstars:
Curt Hawkins: Put through the Raw Titantron (above), and then put through an actual wall backstage.
James Ellsworth: A devastating Chokeslam elimination at the 2017 Royal Rumble where he landed on the small of his back from a great height after Braun had tried to end his life at the 2016 Survivor Series.
Jobbers the world over, if you see Braun Strowman anywhere - run.
3. Animal Cruelty
Imagine if you saw a dog being carried away on a stretcher and you thought to yourself: "oh, I really don't like that dog, now that he's strapped down there's nowhere for him to go, let's throw him off a moderately high ledge so he lands and cracks his head on the floor or something."
That's what Braun Strowman did to THE BIG DOG, Roman Reigns, as he assaulted The Shield member during an innocuous sit-down interview with Maggle Cole.
Strowman beat down Reigns through the backstage area, leaving him for dead after a Powerslam on a production crate. Once the medics arrived on the scene and strapped Roman to the stretcher, back came Braun to steal the stretcher and push it off a ledge. Look at poor Roman up there, man. He's dead - or he would have been if he wasn't a large canine with some real estate of his own.
And as you'll see in point one of this article, this wasn't the end of the animal abuse seen on that particular episode of Raw.
2. Pulling Down That Thing
What's that thing called? I don't know. It wasn't serving any purpose whatsoever, other than being a massive thing Braun Strowman used to try and murder Brock Lesnar and Kane with ahead of a triple threat Universal Championship match at the 2018 Royal Rumble.
With The Big Red Machine and The Beast battling their way through the backstage area, Strowman arrived OUTTA NOWHERE to lay the pair out. He then got his hands on a grappling hook.
In a moment that proved he is the offspring of Indiana Jones and Frankenstein, Strowman threw the hook up to the top of the big thing and then pulled it down on top of his Rumble opponents.
Paul Heyman was crying and everything, man - as you would if you just saw your meal ticket and best friend murdered right in front of your eyes.
Nobody seemed to care about Kane though, which is a shame...
1. The Ambulance
So in point numero three of this article, we talked about how Braun Strowman pushed a beaten down Roman Reigns off a moderately high ledge while THE BIG DOG was attached to a stretcher. Being strapped down to that stretcher, there was nowhere for Roman's hands to go to protect his fall. He's incredibly lucky that he didn't crack his head open and DIE.
Seemingly annoyed that he didn't get the job done the first time around, Braun came back once again as Reigns was being loaded into an ambulance.
"I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU," the Meme Among Men screamed, as he scared off the medical team on the scene. He then hit Roman a few more times just in case the damage he caused earlier wasn't enough, before heading to the side of the ambulance he was in.
Braun then pushed the ambulance over, because he's a meme. Once again, Roman could have banged his head or something with his arms tied down. Attempted murder is funny when you're a meme. We should all become memes and live without consequences.