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Kevin Owens & Braun Strowman Are The New Sasha Banks & Bayley On WWE Raw

I thought we were out of the woods...

The lead singer of mid-noughties UK pop sensation The Feeling warned us. "I thought it was over but it's not," he said way back when - and that directly applies to rather confusing happenings on WWE Raw in the summer of 2018.

For months, we were put through absolute torture when it came to Sasha Banks and Bayley. One week they were in love, the next week they were just friends, the week after that they were trying to murder each other before, in the end, they were just good pals... or something. I lost count. As the weeks and months went by, the longer and windier the road WWE were taking us on got - so much so in fact, all of our satnavs blew up due to being overworked.

Thankfully, however, last week's Raw provided us with a modicum of clarity. Bayley took on the role of every single person who has lived through this horrible, horrible storyline and said 'f**k this' - or should I say "you ain't sh*t Sasha," naughty Bayley? - and snapped, pummeling Banks' face like we all would if we ever encountered Michael Hayes or any other member of WWE's creative staff that booked this sh*t.

Doot. Doot. Doot.

It was a fantastic slice of character work for Bayley, who has come a hell of a long way since the days where she embarrassingly couldn't work out how to use a kendo stick. She'd had enough, she didn't even want to tag with Sasha in the first place, and with Sasha conceding the loss against The Riott Squad, it was only right that Bayley lost her bananas. And OH MY GOODNESS did she lose them with no hope of ever finding them again or what?! We haven't seen aggression from her like this... ever, and it was wonderful to finally see it.

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Part of what made the beatdown so wonderful was Sasha Banks' body and the things it can do. I don't mean to sound like a creep, but I could watch Sasha being ragdolled around an arena all day long. Along with AJ Styles and the like, she's the best in the business today when it comes to taking a severe beating. The sheer disregard she has for her own being is cringe-inducing at times, but makes for one hell of a spectacle. As long as she's not doing herself actual damage - because it really does look like she's handing her own arse to herself on occasion - long may her brutal prowess in the art of selling continue.

As for Sasha/Bayley, I cannot wait to see what the pair produce at Extreme Rules and SummerSlam. I hope these pair of matches (SURELY they're going to happen?!) follow the same trajectory of AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura's bouts this year, with the next being markedly better than the last. I hope they get 45 minutes at SummerSlam, and actively try to murder each other... within the realms of sports entertainment, of course. You silly goose, you.

Back to business at hand, and while one confusing chapter on Monday nights was coming to a close, another was just opening.

"I thought it was over but it's not."

Braun Strowman is a confusing man. Despite being Mr MONSTER IN THE BANK ISN'T THAT A CATCHY TAGLINE EVERYONE?! ISN'T IT? He's playing the role of a devious teenager, stringing a potential suitor along at their mercy and laughing while they do so. Come on, lads - we've all been there.

It all started so well for Braun in his relationship with Kevin Owens, as he tried to murder him from atop a massive ladder at Money in the Bank. Good, solid, logical start there. The logical stuff continued following MITB, with a scared Kevin Owens attempting to be Braun Strowman's friend. Braun rejected of course because he's a massive monster who can't have friends unless they're 10 years old or five feet tall and furious.

Last week's Raw rolled around and ooooo things got interesting as Owens and Strowman were paired together in a match, which they won. In a moment of pure, blissful sportsmanship, KO offered his massive hairy mate a shake of his Canadian hand, but Braun - the prick - refused. Kevin, naturally - because Braun's a massive bloody monster who works in HSBC these days - ran away, only to find that Braun had got to his car before him. AND he'd only gone and turned it upside down! "Har har har," Braun said.

When I saw this segment last week, I could feel my heart bleeding for Kevin Owens and it had absolutely nothing to do with the kebab I had following a day on the sauce because IT'S COMING HOME, YOU KNOW!

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As entertaining and as lovely as he is, Owens has been positioned as a heel ever since he arrived on the main roster in 2015. However, on last week's Raw, you couldn't help but feel sorry for the bloke. Obviously, the brainy folk who pieced last week's show together pictured a giggling Braun Strowman walking away from the Shania Twain enthusiast coming across as the hero laughing at the bully, but that simply didn't happen. Yes, at times, even I have to concede that Kev has been nothing more than a tosser on WWE's programming, but after surviving attempted murder at MITB, having his car tipped over was the last thing he deserved. Braun came off looking like the biggest bully since JBL (allegedly) which is the role KO is supposed to be playing, isn't it? I'm not sure whether to crap or wind my watch when watching the pair now, as Stone Cold Steve Austin would so eloquently put it.

I want to cheer Braun, and unconditionally love that cheeky rapscallion KO while the rest of the WWE Universe boos him. Is that too much to ask? Why do we need to go all Robin Thicke on Raw and have way too many blurred lines? With Bayley and Sasha's feud seeing clearly now the rain has gone, we're all seemingly buggered and can't tell what obstacles might be in the way when it comes to Strowman and Owens and the weeks ahead. WWE have ended one confusing strand of a feud and filled that unwanted void with another.

(And yes, I understand that Kevin Owens simply shouldn't be able to bully a man the size of Braun Strowman. But that doesn't mean that Strowman should now be bullying Owens! He's becoming what he hates - or whatever they say in the films - and I'm working myself up into a shoot, brother.)

Remember when people said professional wrestling was television you could watch without thinking...

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Ross Tweddell

Written by Ross Tweddell

Editor-in-chief of Cultaholic.com and presenter on the Cultaholic Wrestling YouTube channel. Email: [email protected]