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Who Would Win WWE's World Cup?

He's French, which could mirror the football version's result...

I've been down with a desperate illness over the past week or so. Having taken myself to the doctors, I've found out it's WORLD CUP FEVER! I know, you've got it bad too.

The big event kicked off yesterday in stunning fashion, with hosts Russia hitting Saudi Arabia for FIVE - a nod to cricket that doesn't quite work there, I'm sure you will agree.

As we all know, the World Cup is the biggest tournament in sports - ALL of the sports. And because we're a wrestling website and we've got to link the football World Cup to the graps, WWE likes a tournament as well, you know, with the company being the single most prolific users of tournaments in all realms of entertainment. King of the Ring, The Wrestling Classic, Brawl For All, Cruiserweight Classic, Mae Young Classic, Mixed Match Challenge, roughly one million tournaments to decide new champions: WWE loves a tournament. Heck, there's even one next week with the second UK Championship tournament taking place in London.

With an entire universe of Superstars to pick from, even beginning to think about which WWE Superstar would win a World Cup if the company held one makes my head hurt. We're going to try and go through this systematically, picking one Superstar to represent each nation in Russia. Let's get to it.


Group A


WWE


Russia: Nikolai Volkoff

Saudi Arabia: Monsoour

Egypt: Mohamed Fahim

Uruguay: Pete Dunne (Luis Suarez bites people, and so does Pete Dunne)

Since there aren't any WWE Superstars from Uruguay, they are disqualified from this illustrious WWE World Cup. Pete Dunne is a joke pick, obviously, and I'm not willing to bastardise this whole thing by seeing him through.

As for Mohamed Fahim, he became the first Egyptian signed to the WWE Performance Center earlier this year, so being such a novice on the biggest stage, I don't see him doing very well.

Nikolai Volkoff might be the holder of the second longest WrestleMania entrance of all time (at X-Seven, coming in a few minutes short of Iron Sheik's 58-minute wobble), but he was a hard bastard in his day and resides in the WWE Hall of Fame. Because of his legendary status, and the inexperience of the rest of the field, he's winning this group at a canter.

Big Monsoour is coming in second place. Of all the new Saudi Superstars paraded at the Greatest Royal Rumble he looked the most at home - and he's also shown some fire through some sterling Twitter promos. I'm impressed.

Winner: Nikolai Volkoff

Runner-Up: Monsoour

Group B


WWE


Portugal: Aldo Montoya

Spain: Kane

Morocco: Don Muraco

Iran: The Iron Sheik

Even though WWE is absolutely massive and owns its own damn universe, there are still a bunch of countries they haven't penetrated yet - Morocco is one of them, so they're disqualified (officially) but there was a pun to be made with the Magnificent Don Muraco, so I've gone for it.

Kane was born in Madrid, Spain - so he's Spanish (technically) - while "Portuguese Man O' War" Aldo Montoya is going to once again give Cristiano Ronaldo a run for his money in the 'national hero of Portugal' stakes.

Sheiky baby is a choice that speaks for itself.

Since Muraco is disqualified from this event, I see Kane steamrolling the rest of the field. Sheik will come in second because Aldo was nothing more than a jobber in his day.

Winner: Kane

Runner-Up: The Iron Sheik

Group C


WWE


France: Andre The Giant

Australia: Buddy Murphy

Peru: Nolberto Solano

Denmark: Dennis Rommedahl

It seems that Peru and Denmark are two more countries that WWE are yet to penetrate: DISQUALIFICATIONS ALL ROUND!

While Buddy Murphy is no longer 205 Live's Best Kept Secret because he's proven on more than one occasion he's absolutely amazing, he's simply not going to beat Andre The Giant - could he sneak a time limit draw by simply running away from Andre? Absolutely, but should he do that in the spirit of football? No. Therefore, Andre's going to win.

Winner: Andre The Giant

Runner-Up: Buddy  Murphy

Group D


WWE


Argentina: Giant Gonzalez

Iceland: The Berzerker

Croatia: Paul Diamond

Nigeria: Apollo Crews

Damn kayfabe getting in the way of a good WWE World Cup. I know Nikolai Volkoff is actually Croatian and only portrayed a Russian while in a wrestling ring, but he's already representing Russia - and I don't know whether to sh*t or wind my watch as Stone Cold would say. Luckily, Paul Diamond - the man who portrayed Max Moon among other gimmicks - was born in Croatia, so he's taking their spot.

I was all set to have The Iceman Dean Malenko represent Iceland, but in the name of not completely bastardising everything about this tournament, The Berserker (while going by the name Yukon John) was billed from Iceland. He's in!

Apollo Crews is of Nigerian descent as his dad is originally from the Benue State in the mid-belt region of Nigeria - with their kit for this year's football version of this tournament in mind, the pressure is certainly on Apollo to deliver.

This isn't exactly a group that screams 'great graps' is it? Therefore, and even though I still see him as a smiley charisma vacuum, Apollo Crews is coming out on top in this one simply because he's head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to wrestling alone. And because I'm all about THE BANTER - and Lionel Messi - Argentina's Giant Gonzalez is going through, hairy crotch and all. Why? Reasons.

Winner: Apollo Crews

Runner-Up: Giant Gonzalez


Group E


WWE


Brazil: Giant Silva

Switzerland: Cesaro

Costa Rica: Rosa Mendes (she's of Costa Rican descent, apparently)

Serbia: King Konstantine (an actual Serbian who used to be in the Performance Center, apparently)

The word Slobberknocker springs to mind for this group...

Cesaro is winning this thing, but you already knew that.

It's a bit of a toss-up for the rest of the group in all honesty, but I'm going to send through Rosa Mendes because she recently said that she is making plans to return to WWE with aims of getting into the Hall of Fame - I'm not willing to stand in the way of such lofty aspirations, to be honest with you. A win in this World Cup is surely worthy of a Hall of Fame spot. Also, Giant Silva was really, really bad.

Winner: Cesaro

Runner-Up: Rosa Mendes

Group F


WWE


Germany: Brakkus

Mexico: Rey Mysterio

Sweden: Shara

Korea Republic: Jimmy Wang Yang

I'm English. Of course I'm not going to give the old enemy a chance of winning this thing. Brakkus was absolutely horrible hahaha!

The rest of the field is made up of a living, breathing GOAT, a former Swedish NXT talent (who is also married to Bo Dallas, apparently), and Jimmy Wang Yang - who has a Korean father. I don't think this group needs too much explaining.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Runner-Up: James Wang Yang

Group G


WWE


Belgium: Salvatore Bellomo

Panama: One Man Gang

Tunisia: Bobby Fish

England: Neville

Panama and Tunisia are disqualified from this World Cup - but let me tell you why I've picked One Man Gang and Bobby Fish to (fake) represent them: One Man Gang went by the name Panama Gang once upon a time, apparently, and Bobby Fish because Tunisia phonetically almost includes the word tuna, which is a fish.

Forget about those two, though, Salvatore Bellomo was a Belgian WWE Superstar in the mid-to-late eighties, while Neville is fantastic and is also from the same neck of the woods as me - which is always going to give you extra brownie points.

Winner: Neville

Runner-Up: Salvatore Bellomo

Group H


WWE


Poland: Ivan Putski

Senegal: Rusev

Colombia: Ricardo Rodriguez

Japan: Shinsuke Nakamura

Once more, since there isn't a clear WWE representative from either Columbia or Senegal they're automatically eliminated from this World Cup. However, I've picked Rusev to represent them as he's a lion (of Bulgaria, of course) and their national football team is known as The Lions of Teranga - he should fit in well with them. And I've selected Ricardo Rodriguez to represent Colombia because he is the biological brother of Colombian hero and Bayern Munich's, James... maybe. I haven't just made that up. Honest.

Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura

Runner-Up: Ivan Putski


Round Of 16


PWI


  • Nikolai Volkoff vs. The Iron Sheik


Winner: The Iron Sheik

This is merely going off Twitter performance and gut instinct. Also, Sheik made a bigger splash in WWE and on pop culture in general, didn't he? There's my rational.

  • Andre The Giant vs. Giant Gonzalez


Winner: Andre The Giant

A quintessential dream match pitting two massive blokes against each other. Of course Andre would come out on top. Gonzalez was horrible at his job.

  • Cesaro vs. Jimmy Wang Yang


Winner: Cesaro

Unfortunately, to keep the integrity of this tournament afloat, I need to have Cesaro win here. He would wipe the floor with poor old Jimmy, no matter how great it would be if he won the entire damn tournament. Imagine Jimmy Wang Yang hoisting the Jules Rimet trophy aloft. Wow.

  • Neville vs. Ivan Putski


Winner: Neville

It's got to go to Neville. I know that Putski has a greater legacy in the business but heel Neville could take down Brock Lesnar in my humble opinion. I'm not blinded by loyalty to my fellow Englishman and Geordie. Honest.

  • Kane vs. Monsoour


Winner: Kane

Who knows, we could be sat here in 10 years time with Monsoour tearing things up on Monday Night Raw. But since we're here, and now, and Monsoour's not really done anything, I've got to give it to Kane - that well known Spaniard.

  • Apollo Crews vs Buddy Murphy


Winner: Buddy Murphy

The match most likely to receive five stars from Gary Neville. In this battle of wonderful grapplers, it's the one with a bit of character who comes out on top. We all know, however, that despite losing, we won't be seeing tears from Apollo - he'll still be smiling. He always smiles.

  • Rey Mysterio vs. Rosa Mendes


Winner: Rey Mysterio

One day Rosa Mendes may call the WWE Hall of Fame her home, but that day will have to wait. Rey Mysterio, as he showed during an illustrious stay in Five Star Wrestling earlier this year, is still really good.

  • Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Salvatore Bellomo


Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura

I've got to be honest, Bellomo's a name I had never encountered before writing this article, so because of that, I'm going to have to pick Shinsuke Nakamura since he's in the main event scene today. Plus, he's really good and has proven in the feud with AJ Styles that he loves balls which means he'd be right at home on a football pitch.


Quarter-Finals


WWE


  • The Iron Sheik vs. Andre The Giant


Winner: Andre The Giant

A cagey game with few chances that would ultimately be decided by one moment of madness from Sheiky that would allow Andre in for a last minute bullet header... or something.

  • Cesaro vs. Neville


Winner: Neville

This has to be the tie of the round. Seeing two technical wizards go at it in a knock out scenario all guns blazing is what makes the latter stages of any World Cup the most mouthwatering brand of football available. But of course, angry Neville would win, and not because I'm blinded by loyalty to my fellow Englishman and Geordie. Honest.

  • Kane vs. Buddy Murphy


Winner: Kane

Any game between Spain vs. Australia would see Spain win at a canter and I expect the same here. Murphy might get a consolation goal here or there but ultimately the bigger, stronger, more experienced unit will prevail. This is WWE, remember. Big men always win (unless they're called Big Cass of course).

  • Rey Mysterio vs. Shinsuke Nakamura


Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura

Never has Japan vs. Mexico meant so much. This one really is a toss of a coin, and the coin I tossed said Shinsuke Nakamura. I expect this one to go all the way to penalties with the King of Strong style holding his nerve merely because he's more experienced when it comes to fondling balls. 

Semi-Finals


WWE


  • Andre The Giant vs. Neville


Winner: Andre The Giant

Much like the football version of the England national team would be against France, Neville is the massive underdog in a match against a Frenchman. The wait for a first World Cup win since 1966 goes on for England, as I expect Neville to bottle it just like we (England) do every single time a tournament comes around.

  • Kane vs. Shinsuke Nakamura


Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura

I expect the smaller, more technical team to run rings around the bigger, more abrasive unit. The sweltering heat in Russia won't help Kane here as he tires towards the end of the contest. I don't expect too many goals in this one, but Nakamura will get the job done in the end.

The Final


WWE


  • Andre The Giant vs. Shinsuke Nakamura


Winner: Andre The Giant

It just feels right, doesn't it? In a cruel twist of fate, I could see Nakamura - with his penchant for DQs in recent months in mind - getting himself red-carded here, doing a Zidane, only to Andre's crotch. What a sobering thought that is...

Congratulations to France's Andre The Giant, winner of the 2018 WWE World Cup.

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Ross Tweddell

Written by Ross Tweddell

Editor-in-chief of Cultaholic.com and presenter on the Cultaholic Wrestling YouTube channel. Email: ross.twed[email protected]